As Americans, we are born into a world of plenty. In this great nation, there is an endless flow of both necessities and excesses. It defines us as a society. So it’s no surprise that, deep down in each citizen’s heart of hearts, the people we truly despise are the ones who shun the American way and live exclusionary lifestyles. Namely, vegans and straight-edge kids.

There is absolutely no reason for not consuming every bag of herb, chunk of flesh and bottle of hops in sight – well, not if you ignore for a moment that most of the meat and dairy making it to our supermarkets and restaurants is chock-full of unhealthy hormones, that drug and alcohol use are cornerstones of abusive relationships and overall life failure, that the meat and dairy industry is inhumane to the nth degree, and that drug abuse can only lead to death or to detox, which can lead to death.

In reality, vegans and non-drug-users are the most wasteful of Americans. Just recall the words of your parents while you sat stubbornly at the dinner table, unwilling to eat your brussels sprouts: “Children are going sober in China.” Or… something to that effect. Same goes for animal products. Those bludgeoned, electrocuted abused carcasses crammed into tiny cages aren’t going to eat themselves now are they? The answer, dear readers, is no.

I became a vegetarian two and a half years ago and a vegan much more recently, but I never bothered to seek out my herbivore brethren. Mostly, because they scare me. For everything I don’t eat, there are several who claim they can not eat it better than I can. I don’t know how, but it makes me sad. Besides, why would anyone be vegan in college? We’re going to a school that makes as much an effort to cater to vegans as the average baseball stadium. It’s completely impractical. Personally, I like impractical activities, (I still prefer hand-written letters over all other forms of correspondence) but what’s everyone else’s excuse? One could argue that schools should make more of an effort to cater to different eating habits or allow for exemptions from a meal plan that is essentially useless to anyone who doesn’t sustain life on batter and haunches. But, being different is wrong. It’s been proven time and time again, and it’s a little farfetched to think that a campus covered in “Unity in Diversity” fliers would make much of an effort to appease anything other than the standard appetite.

The major personal benefit I pull out of being a vegan on a college campus is the confidence boost it gives me whenever I feel mildly stupid. Anytime I do badly on a test or can’t seem to decode Kant’s Metaphysics, I just head over to a dining hall claiming to serve vegan meals. All I have to do to feel better is approach a server and ask which option is vegan. After they kindly offer macaroni and cheese, I take a moment to smile sympathetically before walking away with a song in my head and a spring in my step. Also, an apple in my pocket, because there’s nothing like an apple to compliment that intellectual high you get from knowing there is dairy in macaroni and cheese.

As for the straight-edge crowd, let’s hear it for the uncool. Really. If we weren’t intended to use drugs and alcohol, God wouldn’t have made cocaine trees and naturally fermented beer springs. Those exist right? Anyway, there are plenty of examples of artists, great thinkers, composers and authors who developed a close relationship with the bottle or any number of other drugs. And, since frat parties and crack houses are veritable artistic and intellectual havens, people against substance abuse must just hate progress.

Living an exclusionary lifestyle in an excessive society is an act of insanity. Or at the very least, an inconvenience. There is really no moral, health or economic reason to maintain one. If you still need more proof, try this on for size: you know who else didn’t eat meat? Hitler.* Yeah, it really makes you rethink stuff doesn’t it?

*From “The Hitler No One Knows” by Heinrich Hoffman

Jenna Andriano is a flavor columnist for the Northern Star.