1. Charlyn Marshall vs. Britney Spears

Thanks to people like Jack London and Judy Garland, I’ve always had a lot of respect for alcoholics. But after listening to Marshall, aka Cat Power, my impression of boozers, winos and bottle-divers has been elevated to a level of almost hero worship. In short, Cat Power, I want to party with you. While Cat Power makes mental instability and substance abuse seem fresh and creative, Britney Spears exhibits a much scarier side of the spectrum. If, at the end of her rehab/insanity spell, she doesn’t release some dark, autobiographic songs, I’m going to be very disappointed. And I will not be happy with a “Drive Me Crazy” remix.

2. Joanna Newsom vs. Shakira

Joanna Newsom looks, sounds and probably smells like a fairy. As if that weren’t enough, she also plays the harp and uses the words like “dirigible” in her songs. She embodies tasteful uniqueness. Shakira embodies a different kind of unique. Generally, if your voice sounds like a nymph, a vocal career is a good call. If your voice sounds like you have a sinus infection and a wad of cotton lodged in your throat, stick with dancing.

3. Sarah Balliet vs. Jessica Simpson

Like a specter from a silent film, Sarah Balliet lets her cello do the talking. At Murder By Death’s performances, she’s utterly captivating. On record, the haunting effects of her playing are undeniable, proof that even when a strong, talented woman remains silent, she can still send shivers down spines. Jessica Simpson sends different shivers through her inability to remain silent. While Balliet represents sophisticated beauty, Jessica Simpson represents “blonde.”

4. Amanda Palmer vs. Vanessa Carlton

The Dresden Dolls make most guys more uncomfortable than any other band could even hope for. I attribute it all to Amanda Palmer’s unforgiving, uninhibited lyrics. If anyone could lead the Slighted Lovers’ revolution, it’s Amanda Palmer. Vanessa Carlton may be able to sing and play piano, but she’d have trouble leading a parade of mysteriously moving pianos, much less a revolution. Women who play piano seem to forget they’re playing a percussion instrument. Not Amanda Palmer. She doesn’t so much play piano as she unleashes herself on it.

5. Le Tegre vs. the Pussycat Dolls

I know, I thought they were the same band for a while, too. But, apparently one is a super-feminist synth-rock post-punk band, and the other is more of a burlesque dance troupe turned singing burlesque dance troupe. Le Tigre has chosen to use music to express its political views using an array of unusual musical styles and sounds. The Pussycat Dolls choose to celebrate their womanhood in a less political, more visual manner; namely, wearing very few items of clothing and emulating strippers on stage. One group makes me proud to be a woman, and one makes me wish there were a higher prevalence of cancer among breast implant patients. I’ll let you guess which is which.

6. Brody Dalle vs. Avril Lavigne

The reigning punk queens – I just want to see these two in a fight. Ideally, it would begin as a bare-knuckle boxing match, but end with both of them wielding guitars like baseball bats. Dalle, often written off for her looks and the Distillers’ aggressive playing style, is actually an impressive lyricist who writes about many issues facing women and girls today. Lavigne believes in taking a more direct approach to songwriting, singing about “sk8er bois” and “complications.”

7. Karen O vs. Gwen Stefani

Karen O and Gwen Stefani are both celebrated for their fashion, vocals and stage presence. But Karen O can’t brag about completely transforming from a respectable musician to another embarrassing joke like Gwen can. Although there’s still plenty of time for her to sell out and become a sex object, Karen O seems content for the moment creating raw, innovative music with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.