There are few things that make me want to simultaneously laugh and vomit uncontrollably the way modern marketing gimmicks do. The general public’s unflinching acceptance of said gimmicks tops the list. The endless stream of lies, manipulation and sensory overload that flows out of corporate America’s PR departments is enough to make the whole color-coded terror alert system look legit. It makes me want to be self-sufficient or blind. Blind and deaf.

Of course, I probably will be soon enough if advertising continues to be so XTREME. I’m curious, how extreme can chips and protein bars really be? Something tells me that although there appears to be a competition to create the most ridiculous packaging professing the intensity of its contents, they’re still just crappy toys and soda. The jarring imagery and fiercely boring advertisements for extreme products make me long for the glory days of subliminal advertising. Sure, I’d be inexplicably compelled to buy Post-it Notes, but that’s a small price to pay for never having to see another Dorritos ad.

These days, increasing amounts of time and money is being shoveled into precision marketing. By cleverly utilizing bad grammar and “hip” lingo, companies like Boost Mobile and McDonald’s target youth demographics. Or at least the youth demographics they consider to be most gullible and financially exploitable. Be offended; be very offended. Rather than flocking to purchase the low-quality goods these groups are peddling, teenagers should be calling them out for implying we’re so fully illiterate that we can’t grasp the use of proper contractions.

“Where you at?”

Class. You know, that place where I learn to speak proper English, but thanks for taking the time to belittle my intelligence.

Then comes McDonald’s, subtle as a train wreck, in its attempts to bombard the “ghetto” community by tailoring its marketing to appeal to them. Its recently gone so far as to approach designers like Russel Simmons and Tommy Hilfiger in hopes of transforming the McUniform into hip McStreetwear. IT can’t give its cool young employees a raise or the right to unionize, but at least it’ll outfit them with some sweet threads. Face it, the food is disgusting, it’s unhealthy and the marketing is racist and insulting. Save your money and your intestines. It’s okay to be intelligent, it’s okay to have standards, and boycotting products is an American tradition. You care about America, right?

Other forms of precision marketing are all about timing. Any insomniac knows how awkward it is to flip on the television at 3 a.m. only to find every channel running a Girls Gone Wild advertisement or something similarly disturbing. I’m not lonely, I won’t text 337 to the number at the bottom of the screen and I doubt the “sexy singles” you speak of look anything like the chicks in the commercial. Nothing keeps me awake at night worse than thinking companies wouldn’t keep running those ads if they didn’t work. Ew. Just ask a girl out, preferably one with self-esteem and the ability to keep her top on around a camera.

Since I’ve got you feeling bad about your fat-filled diet, and you’ll need to slim down to impress the ladies, be on the lookout for one last marketing trick: lies. OK, maybe it’s not lying in the strictest sense of the word, but it still catches even me off guard on occasion. Grab that box of Hostess Sugar Bricks, or whatever they’re selling these days and check the calorie count. If you think it’s low, look again: An impressive scheme food retailers have cooked up to keep the health-conscious eater buying their products is to make single serving foods worth two servings. So, before you consume that individually wrapped lard cake, carefully check the serving size information, or you may end up clogging more arteries than intended.

The best way to avoid becoming a tool for marketing is consumer abstinence. Failing that, protect yourself. Remember three things: 1. If it seems like some product was made especially for you, it was made especially for you to waste your money on. 2. Every time you buy precision-marketed goods, a CEO gets his wings. 3. Companies employ ninja-like stealth to make you fat. With these tips, you’ll save money and save face… to the XTREME.