Nothing ruins a quick run to the grocery store quite like the cereal aisle. There in front of you are a million and a half different kinds to choose from. Some have marshmallow bits and pieces, others just have tiny balls of processed corn.

The steady element in any of the brands you have to select from is the whacky cartoon character proudly displayed on the center of the box. Some selections feature animals pulled straight out of the Amazon while others have characters derivative from a Mary Shelley novel. No matter which overpriced meal you pick – taste aside – you surely will not be disappointed by the cute little bugger selling you the product.

While cereal mascots have been around much longer than I have, many have by far outstayed their welcome while a select few will see popularity until the day I [unfortunately] expire. Here are some of the more popular characters you may or may not know of.

Name: Tony the Tiger

Cereal: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes

Catch phrase: “They’re grrr-eat!”

Grade: B-

Tony is perhaps best known for his bright-red neckerchief that proudly displays his name on it (and in all capital letters,) sort of like the slow kid back in grade school who always had his mother write his name across the collar of his shirt. Unlike most tigers, Tony lacks the sharp, maiming teeth for which the striped creatures are known. This doesn’t exactly paint the best picture for his cereal as it looks like he is telling us that after a bowl or two of Frosted Flakes, you’ll be forced to carry around your pearly whites in a paper bag for the rest of your life. And don’t dare get me started on this cat’s eyes. His irises are so yellow it’s as if he’s been living with an undiagnosed case of glaucoma since his inception. But you have to give the guy some originality points for that catchphrase. By meshing human dialect with tiger-speak, he has constructed possibly the greatest-known cereal-related saying the world has ever heard.

Name: Lucky the Leprechaun

Cereal: General Mills’ Lucky Charms

Catch phrase: “They’re magically delicious!”

Grade: B+

Lucky is the egoistical little leprechaun that perpetuates the stereotypes of all Irishmen being short, greedy little men who parade around in top hats with four-leaf clovers blossoming out of them. And in a world as politically correct as ours, you’ve got to hand it to the folks at General Mills for sticking with their red-headed spokesman. Rumor has it, Lucky was adopted from a Dublin orphanage sometime back in the 1960s and never completely adapted to American culture. Often mistaken for one of the Burger King Kid’s Club characters, the cereal honestly couldn’t have a mascot more down on his “luck.” Segregated to the slums of his local Irish community, Lucky invented Lucky Charms, naming the product after himself in a daring move. A strong fan of marshmallows, Lucky included handfuls of clover, moon, heart, balloon, pot of gold, horseshoe, rainbow and star-shaped mallows into every box. In an act of selfish defiance (or closet communism), the star-shaped bits originally ran in various shades of red. That has since been changed, and Lucky is still riding probation to this day.

Name: Count Chocula

Cereal: General Mills’ Count Chocula

Catch phrase: “I want to eat your cereal!”

Grade: B

The Count is the renegade of the cereal industry, brutishly defined by his carnivorous, dual-toothed grin. This is one bad-boy you do not want to mess with. Straight out of the bowels of Transylvania (though his driver’s license more accurately reads “Pennsylvania”) the Count invades his consumers like the plague, pumping every person in a three-block radius’s veins with chocolate, milky goodness. While his Dracula garb is pretty sweet, his catchphrase (which has since been retired) is both lame and confusing. Mr. Chocula, correct me if I am wrong, but are you not a vampire? Granted, you may be a vampire who digs the cocoa, but you are still a vampire. Why would you rather eat my cereal than my external carotid artery? You confuse me, sir, you really do. Furthermore, what gives you the idea that you want my cereal? It’s your name on the box, champ, so what do you need with my bowl?

Name: Buzz Bee

Cereal: General Mills’ Honey Nut Cheerios

Catch phrase: “Bee happy, bee healthy!”

Grade: D+

When the marketing gurus down at General Mills were brainstorming up a mascot for their honey-based breakfast, I wonder exactly how long it took them to associate a “honey bee” with the “honey” in their cereal. Something tells me the idea didn’t strike them right away. Buzz is characterized by his gaping grin and tennis shoes which begs the question if there is in fact a whole hornet’s nest full of these sports-playing, happy bumblebees. Last time I tried sticking my hand in someone like Buzz’s nest, I most certainly wasn’t greeted by a smiling little fellow. No, I instead pulled my arm back to reveal a host of bee stings, each of which I was completely allergic to. That’s negative points for false advertising. Even more negative points for the thousands of dollars in hospital expenses I am still accountable for.

Name: The Trix Rabbit

Cereal: General Mills’ Trix

Catchphrase: None.

Grade: A

History – in general – hasn’t been kind to the bunny rabbit. If they aren’t being yanked out of some fat magician’s hat by their ears, they’re having their cottony tails smooshed by people like me. Continuing in a long line of animal abuse is our friend the Trix Rabbit who is so disrespected by his peers that he doesn’t even have a name. In my best efforts to uproot this problem, I started the campaign to call our fluffy little pal “TR,” only to be immediately shot down by a group of raging Teddy Roosevelt activists. Some country. TR is well known for his inability to capture what he desires: a bowl of Trix cereal. In retrospect, after years and years of failing, you think he’d just give up and retire to a bowl of Cookie Crisp or something, but that is never the case. The guy has a keen Chicago Cubs complex, sticking with the maxim of “there’s always next time.” But knowing his kind, there may not be a “next time.”

And so concludes part one. Next week I will present to you five more well-known cereal shippers. Until then.