I feel bad for smokers. Or at least I would if they didn’t get to look so cool.

Here’s a group of people willing to brave heinous weather, lingering odors and social rejection all for a cause. Then, along come the politicians and a majority of the public, trying to make their lives more difficult: smoking bans, Surgeon General’s warnings.

It’s time you future cancer patients of America stand up and refuse to have your coolness jeopardized.

How to fight it

The first step is all in the performance. Smoking bans are spreading faster than those nicotine stains on your teeth, and if they’re not stopped there won’t be four walls and a roof in America that stands as a haven for the smokers who call this great country home. So give the legislators a taste of what’s in store.

Every trip outside should be an overt act of defiance. You’re not just smoking, you’re being forced to loiter. So loiter away, patriot. Heckle if you choose. You’re a smoker, remember? A self-created rebel-turned-law-breaker by a society that can’t, or won’t, accept you. As you stand courageously against whatever weather conditions you must expose yourself to, remember: the revolution will not be air-conditioned.

Everyone can do their part

Even soon-to-be non-smokers can lend a hand in the fight for equal rights. While struggling to quit, let your oral fixation control you. This is a perfect time to gain anywhere between 25 and 50 pounds.

Once this is accomplished, woefully remind anyone who encouraged you to quit that this is their fault and you would still be in peak physical condition if only you’d kept smoking. Point out your skyrocketing cholesterol levels, your plummeting self esteem and fact that your clothes still smell bad since you sweat profusely every time you make a trip to the fridge.

A true patriot will go the extra mile and develop some chronic, obesity-related illness. But most importantly, you need to be a burden and an eyesore to those around you, and they need to know it’s their fault for telling you to quit “for your health.”

The death of cool

The recent surge in anti-smoking sentiment has begun to affect many of America’s finest traditions. Hip activities like drinking cup after cup of coffee and chain smoking at all-night diners are fading out of youth culture. Bars and rock venues are no longer hazy with smoke and vague dissent. But – more important than the negative effects anti-smoking legislation have on waitresses and businesses – the anti-smoking sentiment is affecting the people to whom cigarettes mean so very much.

Never give up, never surrender

The fate of cool hangs in the balance, and it rests on the shoulders of those proud few willing to say, “Hey, I don’t care how much it costs, I don’t care what those yuppie mainstream health freaks say, I’m going to live the American dream and ride this camel like a cowboy into the sunset.”

As smoking becomes rebellious and unpopular as it once was – perhaps should be – I shed a tear for the victims of consumer consciousness and rejoice at every littered cigarette pack I chance upon. James Deans of America, I salute you.