Apparently, the longer something is in existence, the more disturbingly it is abused, misused and made really, really uncool.

Take math for example – great when you need to count something, or even add or subtract, but it’s been around so long it’s ceased to be useful and become just another academic horror story. Fire is another example – great when you need to cook food or stay warm, not so great when a bunch of people decide to burn down the food tents at the 1999 Woodstock concert.

Then there are tattoos. Japanese tattooing is thought to date back almost ten thousand years. Celtic tribesmen were rumored to have been heavily tattooed and scarified. Evidence of tattooing has even been found on mummies. And they’re all rolling in their graves today.

Tattoos have evolved from telling stories, labeling warriors and being used as permanent reminders that adolescence is full of bad calls. Want to know if that guy is a “bro?” Ask to see his tribal tat. You have to call it a “tat,” because tattoo has too many syllables and doesn’t sound West-coast enough. Want to know if the girl is the one for you? Wait till her shirt rides up in the back – if you see some ink flash, your instincts have failed you. Put the beer down, walk away and hope to meet someone else another night.

Tattooing technology has advanced significantly over the years, increasing the opportunity to make one’s skin a true work of art. But the increase in tattoo popularity has thrown tattoo credibility into a dark age. So here are a few guidelines I think will help anyone out there considering going under the needle.

To begin, there are a lot of “don’ts” when it comes to tattoos. Don’t get an Chinese symbol unless you either are Chinese or have been immersed in Chinese culture for at least a decade. Otherwise it’s stupid, and if you ask a tattoo artist to stab the symbol for “totally righteous” into you, he or she could abuse the fact that you know nothing about the tattoo you’re asking for, and permanently label you with “racially ignorant.” It will be pretty hard to feel totally righteous every time you get laughed out of the room by anyone fluent in Mandarin, now won’t it?

Tribal tattoos are out for the same reason. Before you sit down and pay two hundred dollars for your super sweet tat, ask yourself a few questions. Did you recently accomplish some sort of trial legitimizing your manhood in the eyes of your elders? Ever killed a dangerous animal with your bare hands? If you answer no to all these questions, you’re probably making a mistake. You may never realize it’s a mistake…but everyone else will.

And ladies, the faerie tattoos need to stop. Your beauty is not ethereal; in all likelihood you don’t know any folklore behind faeries and, most importantly, some day you’re going to grow up – maybe not today, maybe not even twenty years from now – and you’ll still have a faerie tattoo.

Other tattoo ideas to avoid include anything related to a current relationship, Looney Toons, and random pointless symbols like four leaf clovers and hearts. If you want to prove your love, make the relationship last, Tex Avery doesn’t want his genius on your skin and if you can’t think of something more personal than a tiny symbol, you don’t need a tattoo.

While you’re avoiding the above tattoo ideas, you may realize you still want a tattoo. Here are some ideas that I guarantee you’ll won’t regret.

If you must get a band tattoos, show how much of a fan you truly are and track down some baby photos of the band members. That way, even when your the Grateful Dead CDs end up gathering dust, you’ll still have adorable babies decorating your calves. Many members of the straight-edge community are justifiably proud of their ability to abstain from as drugs alcohol and casual sex. But before you get a tattoo proclaiming your life choice to the world, consider investing a few extra dollars and including the date you decided to be straight-edge, a dash, and a space for the date you slipped up because that girl dumped you that one time. You can’t tell people you’re straight-edge anymore, but you can say at least you had a good run.

Rather than getting a Chinese or Celtic symbol, consider getting something that actually has to do with your own heritage or life. Consider tracking down your family crest or having the McDonald’s arches tattooed on you bicep to celebrate your American heritage.

Some people will tell you that tattoos are a personal choice and therefore can’t be wrong. That’s not true. Personal choices can be objectively bad. Take heroin use, drunk driving or watching “The O.C.” All personal choices…all bad decisions. Sure, it’s your tattoo, but do the world a favor – think before you ink.