Smartphones. In the past year, technology has seen the biggest boom in laziness-enablers since the invention of the television remote.

Now, with the introduction of the iPhone, the Blackjack and the Treo, it seems like the possibilities for mobile technology are endless and the companies producing them are frantically striving to incorporate more and more into their products. But considering how “endless” the possibilities are, it’s disappointing how many fabulous product opportunities these companies are ignoring.

I love my iPod. It’s my 80GB happy box. But time and time again, I find myself almost surprised at how little it actually does. It seems like every time I pull into my driveway at home, I reach for my MP3 player, only to realize it’s not a garage door opener. To which I query – why not?

With winter dragging on, I begin to think longingly of summer and the prospect of going to the beach, only to realize I have no reason to go, since my iPod isn’t even equipped with a simple metal detector.

I’ve also come to notice that it’s not a laser pointer, a TV remote or a stapler.

I keep wondering who is running the product development departments of these smartphone enterprises.

Even more annoying is the complete absence of low-tech uses for these new, high-tech products. Microsoft is just one corporate merger and a small design modification away from having every Boy Scout in America would be begging for – the Swiss Army Phone. It’s as if smartphone companies are trying to avoid profit by not making MP3 player/phone/Internet/ice scrapers.

Then, there is the most lucrative production option of all – smartphones and MP3 players marketed to people with medical conditions.

There is no telling how profitable the selling power of irony would be if Verizon released a version of the Chocolate equipped with a glucose reader for diabetics. Envision the new iPod commercials – the classic brightly-colored screen, silhouetted character dancing across it. Then, the music cuts out as he hits the ground, struck down by a heart attack. Struck down, that is, until his iPacemaker kicks in and he continues to kick out the jams.

iPhone? More like I’m-not-impressed-phone. Blackjack? I think they mean This Thing Doesn’t Do Jack. Treo? You mean, Tre-…well, actually that’s a pretty solid name. But basically, these companies are expecting consumers to spend between five and six hundred dollars to combine a phone and an MP3 player – both of which said consumer probably already owns, or could acquire separately for far less. If you’re going to pay to essentially re-buy what you already own, I suggest you wait for my designs to come out. Until then, stay strong – convenience is right around the corner.