Directions

Spread crescent rolls into pan and cook at 350 degrees for 9 minutes. Then mix cream cheese with mayonnaise and dry Italian salad dressing, spreading the contents over the cooled crust in the pan. Top with finely chopped vegetables and shredded cheese.

The Play-by-Play

The entire recipe, from start to finish, can be done in less than twenty minutes. However, I spent no less than thirty minutes trying to unlock the secrets within the crescent roll tube. After succeeding by strength, perseverance and a butcher knife, I proceeded to follow the instructions of the recipe. Unfortunately, no sooner had I slid the pan into the oven did I find myself face to face with my culinary arch-nemesis: the grater.

Yes, the grater, whose prickly sharp surfaces have taken more blood from me than the Red Cross and Northern Illinois Blood Bank combined. Fortunately, this recipe was not as grating-intensive as carrot cake, and a titanic battle of the wills was painlessly avoided.

Mixing together the cream cheese, mayonnaise and salad dressing, I found the powerful hand mixer rumbling in my hand. Several hours later, I was seduced by the hand mixer’s thumping grandeur. It had to be pried from my mayo-encrusted fingers.

One should note that, apparently due to President George Bush’s denouncement, broccoli is regarded as a dirty vegetable which must be cleaned before eating. Personally, I think this is offensive discrimination against broccoli in general.

Once the cream has been spread over the crust, one is ready to administer a wide variety of toppings. There’s no right way of doing this. Traditionally, I use carrots, cheese and broccoli, but one can use typically any vegetable for the recipe. Tomatoes are a bit too saucy for the recipe at times. I seem to recall chocolate came from a plant, so I suppose its technically a distant relative of the vegetable family, and thereby fair game.

The rest I leave up to you: experiment, eat and enjoy!