While this piece didn’t make it to the front page, it is the biggest piece of … umm … breaking news we could present in the paper. Certainly you’ve heard of spring before, but this, my friends, is the first day of it. Indeed, all that time spent thinking winter would last forever has now been a waste because it’s the first day of spring.

Yes, even this wretched disease-ridden, corn-infested mud pit of a town is near beautiful for one season out of the year, get ready to enjoy it. Why? Because it’s the first day of spring.

We knew it was spring because we looked out the window of our car the other day and saw a man, well more or less a vagrant, enjoying his cigarette and coffee like any other day. A man, who is there rain or shine, snow or Asian beetle infestation, stood in a yellow jacket outside of a video rental store. But unlike other days, this man’s face was not in a grimace, often from the cigarette ash he just drank. Instead, he had a half smirk. Why? Because it’s the first day of spring.

Now is the time to fill the frisbee golf course. Did you know hippies can smell spring? They are about to return in their full, dirty bare-footed, dread-locked, red-eyed pacified force. Long hair, tie-dye and references to the Grateful Dead will never die here during the age of Aquarius, well Aries. Even the well-loved sport of moving one’s legs to come into contact with a dirty old bean-filled bag will make a triumphant return. Why? Because it’s the first day of spring.

Unlike the hibernating bear which becomes skinnier over the winter, the sorority girl emerges from her frumpy jogging pants to display her spring wardrobe complete with her winter body, weight intact. To those who don’t understand the statement, we are quite frankly saying these girls should visit their local Big and Tall stores for less revealing spring fashion. Might we suggest a nice flower patterned Muumuu. Given the choice, we’d take the bear. Why? Because it’s the first day of spring.

We understand that this column has no logical basis and perhaps now you realize why this wasn’t front page news. Why? Because it’s the first day of spring.