In our humble opinions, the Super Bowl halftime entertainment has been on a steady decline over the last several years.

Rather than parading the biggest and brightest stars of our time in an act of self-promotion, we are instead treated by the sights and sounds of entertainers whose careers started before most of the players parents were even born.

This year is no different with the spectacle put on by none other than The Rolling Stones.

As clarification, we would like to state we do not have anything against The Rolling Stones’ music or ability to perform. However, we do have a problem with them being on our television during the largest moment of the year for TV.

The ‘safe’ choice of The Rolling Stones comes about because of a variety of past factors. In the past, such hip performers as U2, Aerosmith, ‘NSync, The New Kids on the Block, The U.S. Air Force Band and (this is not a joke) Michael Jackson with 3,500 local children have performed. As you can see, a few mistakes have been made, most of which involve the Jackson family. This way, picking The Rolling Stones reduced the chance of child molestation and wardrobe malfunctions.

On the other hand, it increased the chances of heart attacks, kidney failure, incontinence and wardrobe malfunctions that lead to the exposure of old wrinkly scrotums rather than nipples.

How do we get the Super Bowl big-wigs to do away with all of these shows? How do we stop the halftime show from going down the toilet? Wait … toilet. That’s it. And not just any toilet, a giant toilet.

The game has now gone into halftime and the crowd is gleaming with excitement. The announcer comes over the intercom, the crowd hushes in silence.

“Ladies and gentlemen. Are you ready for your halftime entertainment? Now welcome to the stage, your favorite past halftime show washed up has-beens. And the part of the stage will be played by a giant toilet.”

The stage is now filled to the brim with the likes of Donnie, Jon, Joe, Danny and Jordan, the original bad boy band, along with Bono, the Edge and the other two guys from U2. Others join in and the music and dancing begins.

After torturous minutes of reliving past songs you hear daily on the oldies channel and watching the has-beens dance on the rim of the giant toilet, a mysterious masked bum has now placed himself next to the plunger.

The lights in the stadium dim and a spotlight beams down on the mysterious bum. In a fleeting moment of surprise, fireworks begin to explode and the bum reveals himself to be none other than Kevin Federline.

At this point, Mr. Britney Spears raises his hand to the chain plunger of the giant toilet and like great synchronized swimmers the former stars prepare for their decent. In the climax of music, K-Fed screams “PopoZao,” then the chain is pulled and the performers spiral down in the briny depths of the accommodating Detroit sewer system. The crowd, nay, the world cheers and the children who don’t live in the sewer sleep a little better.