Last week our attempt at turning lead into gold didn’t work quite as well as we hoped. However, I’m back again to give the old “lead to gold” another try.

Get your safety goggles on, call your parents and then put your phone on vibrate as to not bother the chemicals.

Materials: Lead, one filtered pitcher, one bottle of cheap liquor (preferably vodka), a glass, a mouth and parts normally attached to a human mouth which are necessary for digestion.

Step 1: Open the bottle of liquor.

Step 2: Pour bottle into filtered pitcher.

Step 3: Wait until liquor is filtered.

Step 4: Pour liquor into glass.

At this point you realize you’ve used your normal household water pitcher to make higher grade liquor at a discounted price, kind of. Also you did this without buying an unnecessary liquor filtration systems.

For the final step in our “lead to gold” process, it is important you pour the filtered liquor over the lead and recite a few incantations in ancient Summerian in the name of Ea, the God of water. If the moon blesses it with favor, you’ll have gold.

Do not recycle the liquor poured on the lead. Also, drinking liquor filtered in this manner may make you blind. However, it would take quite a lot to remove the extra carbon and two hydrogen atoms necessary to change ethyl alcohol to methyl. That would be a huge switch in chemical make up. And who can do that? Let’s not be ridiculous.

This experiment was done under supervision.

The Northern Star does not suggest this experiment to be replicated in any manner. Send questions or concerns to [email protected].