I’ve been working at my retail job for almost three years. I’ve been trying to get fired from it for two years now, but they seem to not want to fire me. Can you give me suggestions to correct this?

Start off small. Don’t wear your assigned wardrobe to work anymore. Conformity can ruin you. Rather, go dressed to work each day as your favorite 15th-century explorer, such as Christopher Columbus, complete with compass and lies of finding America. If that doesn’t work, start taking naps directly on the sales floor while customers are shopping. Except take the naps in just your underwear and top it off by snuggling with a favorite stuffed animal; mine is a penguin named Little Stripey. Those are minor methods in securing walking papers compared to showing utter disregard for customers and products sold. When selling a product to a customer, sell it in a made-up language. Star Trek geeks, this is the moment to shine with your Klingon language. Side note: you will remain a virgin. They will, however, not understand the language and get irritated. This is where you throw the product on the ground and raise your middle finger in triumph. All these things combined should get you a pink slip. Although, I somehow still have a job in retail.

I read last week about the people in a class who were an annoyance to the reader. Well, I have an annoyance of my own – people who walk incredibly slow with no sense of others around them. It’s the people that get out of class, get right on their cell phone and don’t walk in a straight line, but rather in a zig-zag pattern. Most of the time it is females of large statures. And when I say large, I mean Shamu-the-whale-like. You know, the same ones who block the aisles at a supermarket and act annoyed when you politely excuse yourself to get past their enormous masses. Hey lady, I know you have a vested interest in what new kinds of Hungry Man dinners there are, but could you get out of my way? Anyway, I think Jenny Craig will offer you something more. The same people who form a makeshift red rover game down the halls with two friends, except this time the game causes you excruciating agony and not the joy you once had breaking little Johnny and Tina’s ironclad chain of fury. I guess what I am trying to say is some people are so [darn] ignorant.

Tell me how you really feel.

* This headline is in Klingon. If you can understand it, you have too much time on your hands.

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