Ring – ring – ring. . . I don’t like you

By Chris Strupp

When walking around campus I see people that I know walking toward me. The sad thing is I really don’t want to talk to them at all. Is there anything I can do to not act rude by not talking to them?

Listen, you are talking to the king of skipping out on conversations. Just like Larry David from “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” I hate the “stop and chat.” I honestly do not have time to talk to people, but most of the time, it’s because I don’t like them. All that aside, I have a few ways to save you. There are techniques I have mastered in my years of college. First is the salute at a fast pace. The salute shows you obviously care about the person enough to make a quick connection; no hard feelings, no talk, everyone is happy. The second is the fake cell phone call. Wait until you are about 15 steps to the person and pull out the cell phone and make up a quick conversation. When you get really close, just shrug your shoulders and keep walking. They have to understand this. Seriously, it could have been important. Yeah, important enough to get rid of them. The third is a gamble. Make sure you are wearing headphones and have a beverage of some sort in hand; I prefer coffee. Do the same thing as the salute, but this time, have one hand on one side of the headphone and the other hand will raise the beverage. Thus occupying both hands to distance yourself from the handshake, but also allowing to not hear a word they said and you get away, guilt free. My favorite method by far is the honest approach. If they stop you, just state the following phrase, “I don’t have time for you. Why? Oh, because I really don’t like you.” You – 1 Them – 0.

I was recently hired to be the referee this winter. I think it will be a good job, but I am worried about making bad calls during the game. Do you know what I should do?

Why are you worried? Making bad calls is the best part of being in charge. When I umpired little league baseball a few years back, I was the behind-the-plate umpire of a championship game for 11 to 12-year-olds. It came down to the last inning with the game tied and two outs. There was a play at the plate where a young kid was sliding into home and the catcher tagged him with the ball. The runner was clearly safe, but I called him out. The called-out runner is probably 16 now but most likely thinks about the game every day of his life. It’s nice to know I had the chance to ruin a young kid’s day and life. He will always try to relive the glory days of little league baseball by saying how close he was to winning the game and his grandkids will say they don’t want to hear that story again. All because I wanted a good laugh. Ruin away and at the least, do it for the story.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments to [email protected].