Las Vegas’ sprawling SEMA show kicks off next week, and the automotive aftermarket industry is getting a little giggly. Sure, gas prices are high and more money is going toward a fill-up than flashy wheels, but the number of cars on the road with some degree of aftermarket flourish is astounding. Since the oddly-named Specialty Equipment Marketing Association is set to begin, it’s the perfect time to reflect on the state of car modification.

Now would be a good spot to throw some numbers your way on how many people actually modify cars, but it’s just not necessary – look around while walking down the sidewalk. On campus, shiny, little rice rockets shoot down the main stretch. On the highways, traces of drag races and juvenile peel-outs reveal past Saturday night’s frivolities.

With all this popularity, its inevitable that people of poor aesthetic taste are going to want to tell you they have poor taste. Being a self-described “petrolhead,” I notice everything about a car. Judging from roadside observation, it is quite difficult to customize a car without creating something shockingly hurtful.

So here it is, broken down point-by-point: How To Mod Your Car So It Doesn’t Make People Smirk.

Color

I don’t care what they do in Japan, lime green does not look good on your Civic. Please stop, people are having seizures. Lime green, orange and … gosh … magenta, looked fine on your father’s muscle-car, but not on a buzzy little Civic. It’s not that I have anything against the import scene – I like buzzy little Civics. But here’s the thing: Civics, like many counterparts, aren’t manly. So if you’re male, why would you take a somewhat feminine car with unisex pretensions and paint it pink with sparkles and silver graphics. Come on, do you really want to tell people that much about yourself?

Wheels

Wheels are probably going to be your first purchase, and for the majority of customizers, the most expensive. Don’t be stingy as it is difficult to successfully match wheels with cars. The important point is don’t go too small or too big. An inch difference may sound innocuous, but wheels most always decide the outward character of your car. Wheels that don’t fill the arches snugly give the car a weak-kneed appearance, while ones too large may not fit, or worse – look silly. Keep in mind the larger a wheel is, the harsher your car’s ride will become – there is less tire to absorb the road impacts, and what was once secure, accurate handling can turn nervous with larger-diameter wheels.

Engine

For the true gearhead, increasing horsepower and torque is the ultimate goal. The problem is, many of us college gearheads are flat broke. A $4,000 turbocharging package is nothing more than fanciful thinking. But there are other possibilities in the form of bolt-on parts. They generally can be done by anybody who knows how to lift a car and use a wrench. Some bolt-on parts include an exhaust system, an air-induction system and a computer chip that remaps an engine’s ignition timing. While they still aren’t cheap, bolt-ons are effective, with a 10 horsepower average increase from each. Just don’t get a coffee can and call it a “performance modification.”

Suspension

In my opinion, the suspension is the most important system to have done well to a car. Power is fun, but without a suspension capable of translating the twist to the ground, you are going to get embarrassed. Not only that, swinging a car around a corner that leans like a yacht just isn’t fun. Depending on what is demanded of a car, standard street springs are probably the best way to go. Not many college kids have the money for a second car, so if you’re using it everyday, you don’t want something that crashes into every pothole and rut. You may think you do, but turn the testosterone down and you’ll see you don’t. There are many set-ups, and there isn’t a universal recommendation to make for all cars. Rather, research and see what will best fit your ride.

Summary

There are other areas of modification, but they aren’t broadcasted to the world quite like these four. People know when you’ve got more “show” than “go,” but even that’s not really the issue at hand. What I’m most concerned about is ugliness.

Plastering your macho-ed Civic with pictures of anime characters is not cool, nor are colors that aliens would better relate to. I understand expression is as individual as cars will ever be, but gold wire wheels on a pickup just plain hurts, deeply. Please, because people like me have to know that you spent five grand on them, and that’s poor manners.