At the business I work there is a rule that employees should not use the restroom for “number two” purposes. I do not believe this is fair. What should I do about this?

I am going to suggest to you a plan so diabolical you will be the talk of the office, nay, the United States for years to come. You are going to want to eat a lot of prunes, bran muffins, fava beans and Lucky Charms (for good measure), all of which will need to be washed down with pot after pot of coffee. It will make you regular. Trust me, I know. Now find a day when your office is booming with activity. Make small talk with your co-workers and then loudly excuse yourself by letting them know you need to “take care of business.” Go forth to the bathroom and drop those kids off at the pool. The combination of the carefully-crafted diet will make the most out of destroying your beloved work bathroom. The smell will be so raunchy and so utterly repulsive that you, my friend, will be fired on the spot. At least you can sue for claiming to have a medical condition because anyone who combines those ingredients has one. Your office mates have to understand something, though – “Everyone Poops.”

I need help. I swallowed a Lego man and I think I should go to the doctor. But that’s not my problem. My problem is that I can’t stop cruising MySpace and Facebook. Every day I spend about 15 minutes an hour looking at these sites. Help me. I can’t be at a computer for more than 10 minutes without checking both of these sites. Occasionally, I’ll even throw in Livejournal just to change things up a bit. I’m addicted, and I have a small yellow man in my stomach. Help.

Take the time to consider something. Inside you now is a small plastic man. How did you not notice when playing “house” that one of these pieces somehow was in your mouth and was swallowed? No, seriously. The plastic, even if swallowed with some sort of liquid or food, would still tickle your throat in some sort of manner, if not a sharp, jagged manner. Logic must have waved bye-bye to you long ago. When you put something into your mouth, you run the risk of swallowing the object. So say this with me – “I am a huge freakin’ moron.” Oh, your problem with MySpace and Facebook. I’ve got a solution for you. Look my name up and you will find a picture of me showing a gesture with my hand to showcase your ignorance. A plastic Lego? Seriously, man.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to [email protected].