When a relationship falls apart or goes sour, one person normally gets hurt and the other is to blame for the hurting.

What do you do when the one who hurt you wants you back? There is always that little piece of us that thinks somehow, amazingly enough, they have changed from the time you broke it off.

I have developed a new theory on this situation. To start, there is always a reason why you broke up in the first place. Therefore, there is a reason why there is an “ex” in front of boyfriend or girlfriend. Even if it wasn’t a good reason, there is still a reason.

All too often we struggle with the thoughts of taking back an ex. So, here is my answer to you after applying my theory: You need to think of your ex sailing away on the farewell cruise to the island of “You Don’t Exist.”

This is my theory and I’m sticking to it.

It may hurt at first, pushing away someone you cared for or maybe still care for. In the end, you’ll see that it was for the best, likely, for both of you.

The exes of the world seem to have a deep, dark, keen radar for the sense that you are happy, still single, involved with someone new or have simply forgotten about them for a mere moment. They seem to pop up when you’re feeling happy or vulnerable. They approach you with some lame story about how they “still love you,” “I’ve changed,” “I can’t live without you,” or my personal favorite, “I’m deploying to Iraq and I wanted to see you before I left and tell you I want to get back together, but just in case I don’t make it back, at least I got to see you.”

It’s all the same hooey no matter how you look at it.

This sneaky tactic can mess a person up. Everything this person was to you in the past is now standing in front of you asking you to make yet another life-altering choice. The whole time the ex is trying to woo you. All you have to do is focus on the bad times; when they hurt you or took the last Pepsi, or whatever it may be.

You have to get angry and stand up for yourself and for your feelings. There is an old saying that goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Making the same mistake twice can be as painful, and possibly even more painful than the first time.

After you have gotten yourself rip-roaring mad, send that ex on a one-way cruise to that fabulous island of “You Don’t Exist” and move on with your life. Of course, this is much easier said than done. Especially when your ex is now one of your best friends.

So, how do you handle this awkward situation, the confrontation with an ex who wants to give it another shot? Sticking to my theory, you still send that person on the cruise, but only the parts that still have those intimate feelings. Leave out the mean and harsh reality check you would otherwise give any other ex. Tell them you value their friendship very much but no longer care for them in that way.

Maybe rekindling that old flame is too painful or you don’t want to make the same mistake twice. But make sure you put your boundaries out there and tell that person exactly how you feel. Don’t leave any room for misleading feelings or actions.

I always tell my exes “I don’t date ex-boyfriends, sorry” if they want to get back together. It’s been working for me so far. I try not to make the same mistake twice.

As long as you and your now “just friend” are on the same level, the cruising part should go smoothly. So send the girlfriend or boyfriend part to that fabulous island of “You Don’t Exist.”

Having to be around your exes can be nerve-wracking to begin with, let alone knowing they want to get back together. However, you do have to check the other side of the spectrum. Maybe it’s you on the other side.

If you were the dumper, why would you change your mind? Sure, everyone thinks about it right after a breakup, but why torment that person anymore, unless you both agree breaking up in the first place was a crazy idea, and the feelings are both still strong on both sides.

There are always exceptions. I personally don’t like to take risks when involving my feelings. But, everyone is different.

Some people may think this theory is a perfect idea and others may think I’m a cold, heartless woman for not giving second chances. But I’ll say it keeps what little heart I do have safe from getting hurt a second time.

Try using my theory the next time you are spontaneously approached by an ex. Think of how your relationship was and if there are any possibilities that it could be better the second time around. Check out the “shame on me” factor in the relationship. Do a pro/con checklist and remember one thing – there is a reason why they are your ex to begin with.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.