My roommate was a bit intoxicated after tailgating this weekend and ended up hurting his ankle badly. He is using a crutch now and is a bit sensitive about walking around with it. Is there a good way of dealing with this?

I would wait for your roommate to be out of your place for a majority of the day. Then I highly suggest you go to a costume shop and buy some clothes and decorations from the 1700s. Decorate his room in the style of the time, and dress as Ebenezer Scrooge with a top-hat. He will return from his day not able to make of what you’ve done to the room. You should sit at a drafting table and write a letter using a feather. Your roommate will proceed to ask you questions, but just mumble something about hating Christmas, say “It’s all HUMBUG, I tell you” and then ignore them. He visibly will get upset that you are spilling ink on the floor and demand you leave. Proceed to call your roommate “Tiny Tim” to the extent the joke is not funny anymore. But make sure you only use quotes from the movie “Scrooge” or “Caddyshack.” Why “Caddyshack”? To keep him guessing. It’s either “God bless us everyone” or “It’s in the hole.” Your choice. If you keep up this charade all week long, he will find a way to stay out of your way. Because no one wants a roommate who lies on the couch all day shouting nonsensical demands like “make me a four-course dinner,” or “change my bed pan.” But you’ve already done those haven’t you? I guess he has that going for them, which is nice.

Lately I’ve been contemplating the concept of human cloning. I’m just not sure it’s a good idea. Do you think it would be wise to form a concrete opinion on this and write my local congressman or congresswoman?

On the subject of human cloning, I can’t see how you can go wrong. Who wouldn’t want to have a group of people that look exactly like themself? It would be like having your own identical, formerly conjoined twin without the messy surgery. I feel if human-cloning happens, the first person to be cloned would be George “Dubya” Bush. He’s going to need someone to continue his agenda of destroying peoples lives in the hurricane-ridden South and cloning seems to be the one plausible solution. Invading other countries for oil wouldn’t be a problem either. If the government was smart and watched “Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones,” it would understand it could mass produce people in white plastic uniforms, give them a gun and send them off to fight. So yes, write to your local congressman or congresswoman. Tell him or her cloning is best for America. And could you please put in a special request for me? I want Stephanie Tanner from “Full House” cloned because she’s hot now.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to [email protected].