Hot new sex tricks. Fifty ways to be a better girlfriend. What’s he really thinking about after sex? Scarlett Johansson. This is definitely not your mom’s new edition of “Good Housekeeping.”

“Cosmopolitan” is celebrating their 40th birthday by telling women how life really is in the real world with the perfect guy in the perfect relationship. And “Cosmo” certainly is the end-all, say-all in creating the perfect relationship. Excuse me if you can’t understand sarcasm in its print form.

So what is a “Cosmo” magazine to a guy? Do guys secretly pick up their girlfriends’ latest issue off the table and sneak a peek at certain articles? The answer is obvious: of course they do because it’s the best guilty pleasure a guy can have in a relationship.

Let’s see if “Cosmo” gets it right about guys.

“Cosmo” went out and asked guys what they were really thinking about after sex. Most guys were saying things to the tune of, “She’s going to tell her friends,” or “I don’t have to worry about what I look like naked, she digs me just fine.” The sad thing is most of these men are full of themselves and are definitely not thinking that. They are most likely actually thinking, “I definitely thought I could last longer,” or, “it must be cold in here; that’s the reason why it’s like that.”

The one section guys will have problems with is the “50 Ways to be a Better Girlfriend.” Guys don’t want their girl to flirt like crazy because male attention is good for their ego. A guy already has a huge ego and instinctively will be jealous of his girl flirting, which will cause a breakup. Another piece of advice they give is that a turn-on for a guy is to scream at him when he makes you angry to show that you have enough self-respect to stand up for yourself. Break-ups: 2, “Cosmo”: 0.

Gentlemen, peruse an issue if at all possible. Because if you have just broken up with a girl, “Cosmo” has 10 evil ways to get revenge on an ex. And we’re pretty sure you don’t want that picture of you skinny-dipping in freezing water to be put on the Internet.