Editor’s note: Struppendous Advice is still taking question submissions for this semester. Chris Strupp is an entertainment advice columnist who wants to advise people through rough times in their lives. If you have any questions for him to answer, e-mail [email protected] and your question will be answered in the order it is received.

I’m not sure who created human beings at all. Whether it was a higher power or some sort of evolution, it actually doesn’t matter. But what does matter is, why did the creator of human beings make some of them extremely unattractive?

You are a wise individual to ask such a question. This creator wanted people to feel good about themselves. If we had a world entirely made up of extremely gorgeous people like Portia de Rossi and Brad Pitt, everyone would be narcissistic and spend hours every day drooling over themselves in the mirror. Trust me, if I had the body, I would be a very vain individual. But by throwing into the human population a mix of people like Drew Carey and pre-plastic surgery Roseanne, things can be a little more real in society. Same goes with your friends. Do you want your friends to look better than you? Every person has that one friend they take out to a public place to make them feel better when everyone sees the ugly friend and goes, “Aww, that’s sad. At least they have an extremely attractive friend with them, though.” Your friend understands this scenario is terrible but, due to his or her appearance and low self-esteem, has no choice but to remain friends. It’s a cruel, cruel world, but at least everyone doesn’t look like Marlon Brando during his 24-cupcake-a-day diet.

My roommate and I were looking outside our house the other night and saw a “lady of the night” standing on our corner. We got curious about what her actual rates were, but she only spoke in “Ye Old English.” How do I go about this without confusing her?

You are extremely lucky that I took a course in the language in question. Let me put into words exactly what you need to say to this woman. English majors, I’m not perfect at this so keep your Old English/Modern English opinions to yourself. “Yonder lady. Thou breath is as repugnant as a wretched Saxon on Saint Crispin’s Day. Lady, the night is young and thou art so beautiful. I haveth in my purse 10 shillings that can be taketh from my hand if thou feelest it strikes thou’s fancy. I liketh big butts and thou canst lie, thou other brothers canst deny. Dost thou understandeth what I sayeth to thee creature of the night?”

I’m not sure she will understand, but she will at least start dancing to the Sir-Mix-A-Lot beat. My only other suggestion is to just straight out ask, “Hey baby, how much?” A restraining order and $150 fine later and this makes one expensive question.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to [email protected].