People write me every week wanting me to give them advice on what is going on in their lives. Out of the hundred advice questions I receive per week, it is really hard to pick only two or three to answer. Sometimes I respond to them because I feel the person is reaching out for some guidance, but sometimes I couldn’t really care less about their question. I put the ones I don’t want to respond to in the “Strupp doesn’t care” pile. However, for the benefit of that pile, every once and awhile, I will pick out a few to share with everyone. These are the answers I would have given the person a long time ago if I didn’t feel they should seek the help of another entertainment advice columnist. These questions didn’t make the cut the first time around, but today is their lucky day.

I have a great roommate who is a lot of fun. The problem is that deep down, she has a black heart and I think she might be aligned with the “red” country. What can I do about this problem?

It’s never easy to have a friend aligned with a country that has been an ally since the Cold War ended. But if you want to really find out if your roommate is running with the wrong crowd, do a little test. Put a glass of water in front of them. If they drink the water, they are not a communist. I call this test the ‘Dr. Strangelove Test’ because to quote the movie “Dr. Strangelove”: “Have you ever seen a communist drink a glass of water? No, that’s right, it’s vodka that wets their whistle.” The other test to consider is the Rocky and Bullwinkle test. Does your roommate have a fascination with squirrels or stay up all night talking with a thick accent plotting revenge against Moose and Squirrel? If so, you’ll be seeing them cut the grass with a sickle. The best thing you can do is keep tabs on this person. Put a tap on their phone and make sure you let the FBI use the Patriot Act for good for once. Otherwise, how can Republicans sleep well at night?

The other day I had a photo shoot for my cement donkey. I don’t know what came over me, but I just got this urge to photograph the little guy. He was staring at me with his beady little eyes just crying out to me, “Photograph me. Please photograph me.” After minutes of debating whether or not it was something in the air making me hear the voice of my cement donkey, I gave into its wishes and began to photograph it. I did all of this to the tune of Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy.” That song must have played at least eight times and must have taken more than 40 pictures of it in various poses, even putting hats, headphones, sports jackets and boxing gloves around it. I was so into it that night that I didn’t realize my roommates and a friend of mine were standing near my door listening to me bark out commands at the donkey. When the music stopped and I looked up, I saw them shaking their head and walking away. I shouted to them, “The donkey told me to take pictures of it. I swear it was the donkey.” They haven’t talked to me in four days now. What do you think I should do?

Well, I wouldn’t have used the Right Said Fred song. Jeez, what were you thinking? Otherwise, you’re on you’re own, Don Quixote.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to cstrupp@north

ernstar.info.