Welcome back to another year of answering, and laughing at, your problems. For the eager minds reading this column for the very first time, this is how it works: each week I will answer problems that have perplexed you for an extended period of time even if your psychologist has the habit of hiding in a corner and crying when you talk. Do you have problems with your roommates? Well so do I. Do you find it wrong that homeless guys can urinate anywhere they want? I sure don’t. Does your mom interrupt you during intimate moments with your lady friend? Umm…I can’t help you there, I’ve never been good with the ladies. But you get the gist of this column. There is no question too difficult for me to answer. Come up with questions and send them my way. I promise I will answer your question to the best of my ability as a trained entertainment advice columnist. Okay, without further ado, the Weekender proudly presents some helpful Struppendous Advice.

I am a freshman this year at NIU and I want to fit in with the stylish crowd on campus. How can I get noticed by others?

The first thing that you must do is pop your collar. If you want to be “one” with the popular crowd, this fashion statement is a must. The popped collar symbolizes a trend which the sophisticated beings of teenage angst have created to set them apart from others. Remember the no-neck jock trend only applies to the male chauvinistic minds. Unless your name is Ponyboy and you’re hardcore enough to put cigarettes in your sleeves and make me piss my pants, this trend is poppycock. For you females, looking like a high class hussy seems to be fashionable these days. Wearing and carrying items that have your “letters” on them seem to be a must have to get noticed with you crazy kids. I really wouldn’t know, I don’t have to pay for my friends. However, what do I know about clothing trends? My idea of dinner attire includes a pair of swim trunks and a T-shirt that reads, “I’m proud to be a wrestler’s mother.” Be creative. Try making up a new trend. Personally, I’m working on the concept of duct tape and chicken wire. Many cuts and tetanus shots later, still no success.

I was looking at my course schedule the other day and didn’t recognize the abbreviations for some of the buildings I needed to go to for class. Even after checking with friends and other resources, I’m not sure where I am supposed to go. What should I do about this?

Ah, the dreaded abbreviations of a class schedule. It’s a common tale among many youthful students. Even I’m still confused. Why just the other day, I held my political science class in Montgomery 203. Sadly, that happened to be the women’s bathroom. It was not exactly what I expected, but it was fairly roomy, and convenient after a late-night chimichanga-eating contest. If you can’t understand your abbreviations, wing it and find a spot where you are comfortable and bunker down for the long haul. Don’t worry about getting a syllabus. Doris, the staff janitor, will assign your daily projects that require rubber gloves and a prayer. But if you need to use my self-appointed room, be sure to bring a can of air freshener because I am bound to destroy that place.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to [email protected].