When I work out, there is always at least one person who is yapping on his or her cell phone while they are trying to lose weight. Do you think I should say something to them?

No, I do not. These people obviously have physical trainers motivating them to push themselves to the limit. Kind of like a fat person breaking a sweat for an extra ding-dong. Or, these people are so popular that leaving their phones behind for one hour to better their health is blasphemous. People who think they’re more important than all of us, come on and say it with me now, “I, (state your name), do solemnly swear that I am not so important that I need to bore everyone around me with who I think has a sensational body in my Cosmo magazine because no one gives a crap.” Now, don’t you feel better? We sure do. Now let’s talk about your other problem.

In the past week, some fairly important figures have died. How do you feel the press should handle all of this late-breaking news?

Johnnie Cochran’s glove obviously fit so God couldn’t acquit. To me, God played one of the most cruel inside jokes on the media that Buddha himself came up with. The media handled the situation the best it could by maintaining focus on the dying Terri Schiavo’s condition when all of a sudden, O.J’s lawyer goes to the big courtroom in the sky and the media has to shift its attention. Then Schiavo dies and the media goes stir-crazy for five minutes until the breaking news of the pope going to heaven to hang out. Since the pope, you haven’t heard anything about Johnnie, Terri or the comedian Mitch Hedberg (who coincidently looks like Jesus). So God now has a famed lawyer, a comatose vegetable, a comedian and his right-hand man on Earth in his residence. Trust me, he’s cooking something up, and it’s not even sweeps week.

I was best friends with a girl in high school before she moved away to go to school in Arizona. I found out she’s back at NIU but – gasp – dating my arch rival from my town. I thought I’d never had to deal with him again. How do I cope with having to deal with this loser again?

Since you have an archrival, you will have to fight him comic-book style to bolster your pride. This “loser” is dating your best friend only because you succeeded where he failed in life and he wants to get back at you. Meet him on a rooftop in the mythical city of DeKalb and use your special power of getting in the fetal position and crying. It works for me when I’m in a fight, so I guess it will work for you.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to [email protected].