As we come down the stretch (and stench) of the school year, it’s time to start locking down plans for summer.

Some will choose the path of Kevin Federline and do absolutely nothing, mooch off of more successful loved ones and scratch their genitals with an unnerving proficiency. Others might travel and stay in youth hostels, a notion which I find alternately romantic and smelly. However, most of us will be forced to acquire internships and/or jobs as we prepare to be dragged into adulthood kicking and screaming.

After about a month of actively searching for a job and having as much success as the ironically titled “Get Represented” ticket, I have come to a few conclusions:

1. Selling knives, juices or juices made from knives is not a viable career path.

2. NIU should envy Paris Hilton’s national reputation.

The most important conclusion I have come to is that whoever designed the standard job application process in this country also likely played a role in creating VCR programming interfaces and crafting financial aid forms.

For most of my life, I have indulged in a fantasy that not even Peter Jackson could pull off. I was under the mistaken assumption that I could go to college, study hard, get a degree and be done with the stupid stuff.

Nope. Instead, I’m discovering a whole new brand of stupid stuff in the form of job interviews.

One of the most insipid questions that have become the norm in job interviews is “What are your weaknesses?” This is simply a no-win situation and no company should expect an intelligent, honest response.

If Superman was applying for an entry level superhero gig at the Justice League, would he tell the head resources about his struggles with excel spreadsheets, TPS reports and kryptonite? No, and I’m about as likely to go into an interview and tell my interviewer exactly how to destroy me personally and professionally using my weakness: an allergy to dogs, an inability to dance while sober and an unfortunate uncanny resemblance to Paul Reiser.

There is a school of thought out there saying you should oh-so-smoothly present your weakness as a strength. For example, many applicants will end up revealing – gasp – that sometimes they work too darn hard or like washing their bosses’ cars too much. This cannot possibly fool anyone.

Despite the obstacles created by human stupidity, I hope to have a job soon. Who knows. Maybe in 20 years, I will be in a position to change the way hirings are done. Will I? No, because I’m incredibly lazy and selfish or, as I tell interviewers when they ask the magic question, thoughtfully passive and individual goals-oriented.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send questions or comments to [email protected].