She says she’s not mad.

Ninety percent of the time, she’s probably lying.

It’s frustrating, isn’t it? You ask if something is wrong, she says no. You ask her if she’s mad, she says no. You ask her if she’s sure, she says yes. Yet weeks later, she is screaming at you for what you did (or didn’t do), and probably three other things in the past weeks you have done “wrong” that have upset her.

This is a game. For a guy, it’s annoying, frustrating, aggravating and highly unnecessary. Why can’t she just come out and say she is mad that you ate her cheeseburger? She can. She just doesn’t want to.

Women like to analyze a situation in terms of how it makes them feel emotionally. Men like to analyze a situation in the terms of how it affects their chances of getting laid. Neither gender would dare confess that. Women would rather act like they don’t care (which usually involves huffing and glaring) than admit they are mad. Men would (hopefully) rather keep their sexual concern a secret than risk ruining their chances even more.

The “I’m not mad” game is one of the more advanced games women play. When the dating process starts, the games are more like playing “Go Fish,” and men and women are on the same playing field. Teasing, playing hard to get, intentionally making someone jealous – guys are just as guilty as girls, and maybe even more.

Girls play a little harder at the teasing game. It’s what they are good at. She’ll push her cleavage up out of her shirt, but expect you not to stare. She’ll let some of her lace panties peek out of her pants and pretend like she has no idea. This type of teasing is a step beyond the beginning twirling the hair-type flirting, but she’s not just getting you interested in her, she’s getting you interested in having sex with her.

Once a girl stops teasing you and gives you whatever it may be that you want, it’s a whole new card game. For some girls, that could be in one hour, for others it could be weeks, months, or even years (yikes). Progressing into the dating phase means learning a new set of rules between the two of you. For the most part, girls play the modesty game during the initial dating stage. She swears she doesn’t care where you go eat, what time you go or who you go with.

Fast forward a few months, and you’re in the expected mind-reading phase where the “I’m not mad” game comes in. Believe it or not, you can learn the rules, and then it’s not as fun for girls.

If you have a hunch she’s mad, chances are she is. When she says that she isn’t, it will likely be followed by a glance down and to the left and a long silence. Either that, or she will stare at you so hard you will think her eyeballs are burning.

Get to know these evil looks – each girl has her own unique set of them. That way, you can call her bluff and tell her not to play these games with you.

You’ll probably get a look 10 times more evil than before, followed by a flirty smile, eyelashes batting, and her saying, “I don’t play games.”

Sure, she doesn’t.

Views expressed in this humor column every three weeks do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send questions or comments to [email protected].