Am I alone in thinking the latest NIU controversy would make a compelling movie … trailer?

Cue cliche movie trailer voice guy: “From the school that brought you charging for tailgating … in conjunction with the $35.8 million student-funded arena that can’t host track meets … and starring hundreds of disappointed students … comes ‘Graduation Cancellation.’”

Release date? It was supposed to be August 2005, but recently I’ve learned that such dates are flexible to say the least.

If you were unaware the university canceled summer graduation, you also should know Martha Stewart is out of jail and Paris Hilton’s Sidekick (an electronic device, not Nicole Richie) was hacked.

Me? I am really excited there will be a Jehovah’s Witnesses Association event at the Convocation Center instead.

Have you ever had a Jehovah’s Witness come to your door? I’d rather watch Keanu Reeves attempt to emote than open the door for them.

Still, my stomach gets a little sick every time I encounter a friend whose family will face disappointment come August.

The university always wins these battles, although they rarely are a fair fight. Why? They rightfully can count on the same student apathy that finds more people voting for Homecoming king than Student Association president and the same type of laziness that has made taking the bus from the Holmes Student Center to DuSable a campus-wide pastime.

This is one of the few times that I advocate not throwing my fellow man under the bus.

The truth is, I could give a crap about the difference between walking in May, December or August. I’m out of here no matter what and there is no selfish reason for freshmen, sophomores and juniors to care. It’s easy to look the other way and go back to playing MVP Baseball or voting for that girl with the ‘fro on “American Idol.”

But there are times in life when the difference between right and wrong is crystal clear. This is one of those times.

We are 26,000 strong and I’m confident at least half of us have the ability to read and write. Take five minutes and contact the Office of the Provost and voice your displeasure. If by some miracle we succeed, you’ll have actually made a difference in the world. If we fail, at the very least we’ve given them something to think about next time they make a decision that hurts students so profoundly.

If all else fails, we can probably do it at my apartment, although I might have to check my lease to see if 400-plus people will put my security deposit in jeopardy.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send questions or comments to [email protected].