My roommates refuse to take out the trash. The smell is getting quite raunch and it is piling up really high. What should I do?

Last year I had the same problems with my roommates, but I didn’t complain about it. Instead we turned our problem into a game of Jenga. When we were done with our trash, we had to stack it on the pile. If it, for some reason, fell, you had to take out the garbage. This game lasted only two weeks and we ended up with a pile of garbage we came to love and call “Mount Trashmore.” The lady living in our trash was real friendly, too. Watch out, though – if she comes to live with you, she bites. Just feed her a sandwich. Her favorite is the turkey ones from the mongoloid downstairs.

My room is kind of dull, and I need to spruce it up a bit. Do you have any suggestions to do so?

Buy a mini disco set for your room. You don’t need anything else at all. Once the set is in motion and the Bee Gees are groooooving in the background, all the single ladies will be lining up in droves to get to hang out with the disco stud himself, you. Wait, that didn’t work for me last year. The mini disco set doubled as the jumbo suck set. Um … just get a fish.

What do you do if someone comes to your door at 1 a.m. and needs to get to Texas because his grandma is sick?

Make sure the guy is good for it. Ask for his qualifications as a vagrant bum and how he plans to compensate you. He most likely will say he can wire you money because he owns two companies back home. He then will proceed to plead with you by offering up his license and his car. After telling you he has asked every church in the area, his first-born son will be sacrificed for this trip to Texas. All he wants is a good samaritan to help him. Say that you aren’t, then slam the door on the bum.

I passed out on my birthday and a bunch of asses drew on me. How do I remove Sharpie from my skin? How should I get them back? Did I deserve it?

There is no way to remove Sharpie from your skin. I hope your grandchildren will like your Starland Vocal Band tattoo on your right arm. As far as getting them back, the only true way is to try to master the art of telepathy. Get into their minds and when they really have to go to the bathroom, do not let their pants unzip or unbutton. The smell of it is the true revenge. Did you deserve it? It definitely was an Afternoon Delight.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send questions or comments to [email protected]