We have a Portillo’s now and I comb my hair down instead of up, but other than that, things haven’t changed much since I came to DeKalb three and a half years ago.

Thursday nights are either always spent at bars or doing laundry – with both activities intertwining sometimes by necessity.

Wal-Mart continues to be a cultural hub for transients and NIU students alike, although it is difficult to see the difference in the two.

And every weekend, some NIU students run away from DeKalb with a speed typically seen when people with taste encounter a movie starring Tara Reid as a young genius anthropologist.

DeKalb is a prime candidate for an “Extreme Makeover.” And since ABC is probably busy developing “Desperate Husbands,” the task falls to me. Here are my ideas for giving DeKalb a new face.

A name change. DeKalb is sooo 1837. A sleek new nickname would do wonders for our public image. Brevity is always a plus in life with one very big recreational exception, so that should be considered with any new moniker. We should capitalize on the success of “The O.C.,” by shortening DeKalb to “The D.K.” Of course, needless punching and exploratory lesbianism would increase tenfold, but is that really a bad thing?

More attractive people. We are just not cutting it in the looks department anymore. The fact is that hot, beautiful people are naturally better than everyone else. Wouldn’t you feel better about your lot in life if your Spanish teacher looked like Kate Bosworth? We need to import more people with hotness ratings of 9.5 and higher and lose some of the unattractive deadweight. Personally, I’m in negotiations with Topher Grace to replace me.

Happier people. Since alcohol is the cause of and solution to all problems, increased usage is a good start. Some people will tell you that alcohol is actually a depressant, but at the very least, it has a placebo effect, which is, of course, named after the legendary Jim Placebo who had 45 Jager bombs in one night and became the happiest man alive until he mysteriously died of alcohol poisoning the next morning.

Step one is to make alcohol more accessible. I suggest forcing all bars to accept Huskie Bucks. Of course, parents will grow suspicious when they have to recharge your card for the 47th time. They might even ask you if “Fatty’s” is that bookstore on Lucinda Avenue when they get the bill accounting for the charges.

Be sure to reply with a quick yes because dishonesty is a small price to pay for living in a more attractive, less sober place with a much cooler name.

Welcome to The D.K., b****.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send questions or comments to gfeltes@northern star.info.