This is a test for the guys (you’ll need a friend to help you, preferably a female): Take out a $10 bill. Now take a lighter and set that bill on fire. Watch it flame until there is practically nothing left, and then throw it in the toilet. Flush. Now, tell your female friend to say “Thanks,” and tell her to walk away.

Done? Good. How do you feel? Are you A) feeling OK with burning money and getting nothing in return, or B) angry that you just burned $10?

If you answered A, congratulations – you are officially ready to buy drinks for women at the bar. If you answered B, you need more practice burning money. Maybe start with singles, and work your way up.

There’s something you boys need to know – not all of you, but a good percentage of you desperate males who go on wild goose chases looking to score with a good-lookin’ lady, or any lady for that matter, depending on where you have (or have not) set your standards for the night (or early morning).

It’s true, girls appreciate a free drink. Most girls, I should say. (I have at least two girl friends who would rather die than accept a drink from a guy they don’t want to talk to). But there are far too many guys out there who expect something more than a “thank you” in return. Sorry, but throwing down a few bucks for a drink does not equally purchase rights to her phone number – or her pants.

About 99 percent of you are thinking … duh. You never expect anything, right? Well I’ve heard it too many times before. Guys complain about spending money on randoms, only to hear her say she is going to her boyfriend’s house after the bar. If that happens, you’ve been played by one smart chick.

Buying a girl a drink is like advertising. It really just buys you a block of time to sell yourself to her. If five minutes have gone by and she hasn’t pulled the bathroom line on you – “I have to use the bathroom, I’ll be back in a minute … not” – then you might be getting somewhere. That is, unless you have offered her another drink. Figure five minutes per drink.

The time you “rent” with her should be spent wisely. If she’s bored, pretty soon she’ll be going to “find her friends.” (translation: get away from you).

You might want to get the boyfriend factor out of the way right off the bat. Don’t ask her politely if she has a boyfriend because that implies you want to be her boyfriend, and that’s likely a lie. Ask her where her boyfriend is. That way, she’ll either say she doesn’t have one or she’ll point to the guy across the bar clenching his fist. (Hint: if she says she doesn’t have a boyfriend, ask her why a pretty girl like her doesn’t have one. It will get you one, maybe two extra points).

One self-proclaimed “playa” said buying a random girl a drink is a way to get your foot in the door. Smart kid. But, it isn’t a way to get your foot in her bedroom door, which is what I think he secretly meant.

There’s probably a handful of you who are thinking that your sexy body and charming personality is enough to start a juicy conversation. That’s great. Good for you.

But for goodness sake, at least get the lady a drink while she’s standing there listening to you babble about yourself.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send questions or comments to kcavarretta @northernstar.info