I am, and will always be, an idiot.

That idiocy was never more evident than in my mindset the summer before I came to NIU. And, no, my stupidity had nothing to do with my decision to go to NIU. (That particular call can be traced to low standards and lack of better judgement, otherwise known as the Kevin Federline effect.)

In July 2001, a group called the Institute for American Values released a survey I foolishly believed. The study of 1,000 college women revealed that 63 percent of the fairer sex went to college, in part, to find a husband.

Looking back on those figures I realized they seem as real as those thrown around in a Scott Boras bidding war and that the IAV has as much cultural legitimacy as the church of Scientology, VH1 and the United Nations.

I wasn’t expecting an entire campus of women running around in wedding dresses, but finding a soul mate at NIU has proven more difficult than convincing Jennifer Aniston to agree to impregnation.

In retrospect, my archaic way of thinking was just plain sad. Relationships don’t define women nor should they. This isn’t the 1950s. This is the 2000s and while we don’t have a catchy name for the decade just yet, women finally are nearing equality in all opportunities other than peeing standing up.

That’s a great thing. But as a theologian said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

We only have a limited time here. It’s going to be much harder to find someone once you are out in the real world. There is simply a lot more competition out there. There are around 13,000 males at NIU. In Illinois? Try six million.

Worse, it’s harder to meet someone with the same interests. Here, you go to classes with people in your age group with the same educational emphasis. In the real world you just hope you don’t end up drunkenly making out at some bar with a 51-year-old bank teller with canker sores on just her mouth.

My fellow class of 2005 males, now is the time to act. Don’t be yourself unless you are emotionally manipulative and/or attractive. Care about what they care about or at least pretend to. If you get in a tough spot, ask when the next episode of “Desperate Housewives” is on.

This might seem like a huge task, but finding a life partner will make you a richer person. And just think of the alternative. It sucks to buy tampons for your girlfriend, but it’s even worse when you have to buy a girlfriend for your tampons.

Views expressed in this humor column every three weeks do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send questions or comments to [email protected].