Shopping has always been a sore spot for me.

Being a college student, I am frequently without funding to purchase anything other than the bare essentials: toilet paper, pants and Jager Bombs.

Plus, I can never prioritize when making decisions, which leads to frequently buying things out of order. For example, I’ll buy videotapes before I even have a VCR. The holidays only compound the problem, especially when getting gifts for people who supposedly have everything. With that in mind, I decided to throw on my Santa’s hat and offer my ideal gifts for some famous faces this holiday season.

Bono: An English-to-Spanish dictionary

Maybe Bono fell asleep during his foreign language lab time like the rest of us.

At the beginning of his band’s new song “Vertigo,” Bono counts/sings in Spanish “Uno, dos, tres, catorce!” That translates to “one, two, three, fourteen!” Either Bono is dyslexic or he hasn’t done his research, which is inexcusable. I understand that U3 is busy selling out, but couldn’t someone have checked on this?

Sammy Sosa: A plane ticket

It was either that or a time machine – and Best Buy ran out of those when Halo 2 sold out.

Skipping out on a Cubs game early is understandable. After all, who wants to watch a full nine innings of undisciplined, fundamentally lacking baseball? Well … besides Cubs fans.

However, lying about the whole experience and apologizing through an agent is unacceptable. Of course, trading Sosa will be hard because of his salary. There are very few teams that can afford him. Plus, very few teams play in a state big enough to house his remarkably unbruised ego.

John Kerry: “Knight Rider” Season One DVD box set

I don’t really have a funny or cute reason for this one. I was going to go with giving Kerry a consistent position, Ohio’s electoral votes or a personality, but the man has suffered enough as it is. Besides, what other gift has David Hasselhoff’s reaction when he read the first script for a show about a detective and a talking car solving crimes? (“It was glowing in my hands. This was gold.”)

Joe Novak and his boys: A bowl bid

I don’t care if it’s the Herpeshelp.com Bowl, our Huskies deserve to go bowling this holiday season – the type without shoe rental.

Such would also have unexpected benefits for DeKalb’s most horny losers. It’s been speculated that Boston will see August baby births double due to Red Sox celebration-induced pregnancies. Imagine what will happen if NIU wins a bowl game. Nothing says Christmas cheer like scoring with someone stupid enough to make decisions based on the outcome of a sporting event.

Nick Lachey: A lottery ticket

If you believe the tabloids, Lachey and Jessica Simpson, the only MTV personality more obnoxious than Puck, have broken up. It appears Lachey will never be a luckier guy because he’s out of this relationship. He should get the chance to capitalize on it.

Yes, Simpson is attractive. But sometimes, what’s up there is more important than what is down there – if you know what I mean. (Too subtle? Sometimes the brain is more important than the body.)

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily of the Northern Star staff. So, I’m the only one at the paper who wishes everyone a happy and safe Winter Break or, as it will soon be known, my seventh failed attempt at growing facial hair. The U3 thing was intentional, so don’t think you were all clever for noticing.