I awoke Wednesday with an odd combination of relief and dread.

Despite all hopes, I can’t turn on my television and readily witness someone being called an illiterate flip-flopper with the intent to pack the Supreme Court with Nazis, inject the flu into every senior citizen and make gay zombie marriage legal.

Now that the most important use of hyperbole in this nation’s history is behind us, the question becomes: What will replace the heart-pounding excitement of watching two rich guys spending obscene amounts of money to become our leader and piss all over us for the next four years?

Nothing short of the return of the National Hockey League can completely fill this newfound void. However, there are other things out there for us to pretend to care about:

Osama bin Laden: When President George W. Bush said he wanted bin Laden to be captured dead or alive, I must have not heard him mutter “or none of the above” under his breath.

The biggest publicity whore on the planet outside of Paris Hilton and myself desperately tried to become relevant again last week and failed miserably.

Much like Eminem, his new material feels immature and redundant. Unfortunately for bin Laden, his new video showed no real growth as a terrorist. He could benefit greatly from collaborating with someone new and different like Ben Moody, formerly of Evanescence or Khadafi Janjalani, currently of the Abu Sayyaf terrorist organization.

This blatant unoriginality should come as no surprise to bin Laden detractors. After all, this is the same guy who, for his biggest terrorist strike, picked a target that got terrorized just 10 years prior. Pathetic. If bin Laden were to write a screenplay, it would probably feature an asteroid hurtling towards earth or the first daughter rebelling against her overprotective dad.

Still, there are more people who make Johnny Damon-looks-like-bin Laden jokes than people who make bin Laden-looks-like-Johnny Damon jokes. So it’s not like bin Laden will be joining Bronson Pinchot and Cindy Crawford on “The Surreal Life 4” anytime soon.

Ben Affleck: “Paycheck,” “Gigli,” “Jersey Girl” and now “Surviving Christmas?” I didn’t know Affleck’s career was being managed by Paul Bremer.

It’s hard to feel bad for someone who gets the pleasure of being within five feet of Jennifer Garner on a regular basis, but it’s got to suck to look at Cary Elwes’ career with envy.

Classes: With about a month left in the semester, it’s the perfect time to catch up on forgotten reading and a make a big last push for a passing … wait, didn’t “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” just come out? Screw classes. It’s time to rediscover our love for stealing someone’s car and running them over with it.

2008 election: We are less than 1,500 days from the next presidential election, which will no doubt also be the most important election of our lifetime. (Don’t get me started on the 2012 and 2016 elections, which are also the most important elections of our lifetime.)

If the Republicans force a change in the Constitution so Arnold Schwarzenegger can run for president, Democrats should find a way to make Bill Clinton eligible again so we can have a real election – two rich guys spending obscene amounts of money to become our leader and piss all over us, but with an incredible amount of charm.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.