Recently, I had a discussion with one of my favorite Chicago-area film critics. He was telling me how he had just arrived from the Toronto Film Festival and about all the fantastic films he saw there. He was able to sit and talk with filmmakers like “Sideways” director Alexander Payne and star Paul Giamatti.

This guy gets paid to do this – watch movies, go to festivals and interview filmmakers – all at the expense of his newspaper. This man, I thought, has the greatest job in the history of the world.

And then there’s “Taxi,” a movie that made me ponder that thought. For one, this man had to sit through this film, as did I. However, he is most likely assigned to speak to the people who created it and conjure up enough creativity to ask them a respectable question. This man, I thought, has the worst job in the history of the world.

That’s how bad this film is. From the opening moments to the last shameless outtake, “Taxi” is an excruciatingly painful event that should be forced on nobody – I’d even vote against showing it in Guantanamo. After all, even terrorists have rights.

Queen Latifah once again plays Queen Latifah, a role that seals her fate as the poster child for a bad movie. She works as a New York City messenger who dreams of leaving her job of delivering packages on a bicycle and becoming … a taxicab driver? “Just go with it,” I told myself.

Meanwhile, Jimmy “You’ll never live this one down” Fallon plays Jimmy Fallon, a bumbling New York City cop who wants to do no more than impress his supermodel lieutenant (whom, of course, he used to date) by solving “the big case.”

“The big case” in this instance happens to be a slew of bank robberies committed by a gang of Eastern European supermodels who speed away in their ultra-souped-up BMW.

This poses a problem for Fallon, who has one major flaw among other major flaws. He can’t drive – each time he gets in a car, something disastrous happens. The car either ends up in a store window or ends up spontaneously combusting. Obviously, the many writers of this film have never watched an episode of “The Simpsons.”

One day, on his way to his mom’s house (where he lives), Fallon hears of a robbery in progress and waves down a taxicab to take him there. Guess who? It’s Queen, who will take him there in record time with her souped-up taxicab. Hijinks ensue – not funny hijinks, but the “Wow-I-wish-I-were-doing-anything-else-but-this-right-now” hijinks.

I’d ask why talented people like Fallon or Latifah would be involved with this film, but any individual with talent who reads this script would immediately fire the individual who asked them to read it.

Before I go any further, I should explain why “Taxi” was given a half star. Cinematographer Vance Bruberry should be credited for making the film’s many car chase sequences mildly entertaining. But Bruberry also needs credit for all of the scenes in the film that are lit like the coffee shop from “Friends.”

Which scenes, you ask? Well, all of them. When was the last time you were in a mechanic’s shop that looked like a television sitcom? Or a rusted, urban apartment building? Or an automobile after midnight? Ever park in a dark alley and look over at your friend riding shotgun and find his or her face brightly illuminated in three-point lighting?

I wondered how this could possibly happen in a major Hollywood production; but seeing how Bruberry’s only other credit as a motion picture cinematographer came from his work on “Meatballs 4,” things suddenly started to make sense.

“Taxi” is a waste of time. Avoid it at all costs. If you happened to be trapped on a flight showing it, read a magazine. Better yet, locate the nearest exit door and take your chances.

It’s just that bad.