“Failures.” “Choke jobs.” “Catalysts to severe depression.” Call the 2004 edition of the Chicago Cubs what you will. There is only one constant in this century-long bout with a billy goat: Cubs fans are idiots.

Time after painful time again, we’re left with the bitter aftertaste of a season lost to “what-ifs.” Time after time, we’re led like lambs to slaughter into another Cubs season laced with potential and promise.

When is it going to sink in? When are we going to learn?

Too many innocent victims find out each October that putting your trust in the Cubs is the equivalent of emotional suicide. Throw your love affair with the Cubs into the toilet and flush. It’s never going to be “The Year.”

Yet, it’s the same pattern each season. Every day at 1:05 p.m., 38,965 naïve puppets pack the ancient Wrigley Field in hopes of a victory and a foul ball. Unmercifully, every last one of them has a psychiatrist by the time Thanksgiving rolls around.

If you thought last year’s collapse was a monumental manifestation of “The Curse,” let’s painfully recap this year’s bid for the most disappointing sports season in recent memory.

First, the collapse of Sammy Sosa. Yes, Sosa was one-half of the duo that single-handedly saved baseball from the trash compactor. Now he’s just embarrassing himself. There comes a time in every sports career when it’s flat-out time to hang up the jock. This is it for Sosa.

Next, Moises Alou’s mouth. He blamed the umpires; he blamed Chip Caray. He blamed everyone except the nine players on the field. Luckily, Cubs fans won’t have to subject themselves to Alou’s relentless rambling next season. He’ll be taking his tantrums elsewhere.

Jim Hendry is the greatest thing to hit Chicago since deep-dish pizza and Mike Ditka. Still, the one trade that Hendry didn’t make is the reason the Cubs are home watching the playoffs. After Joe Barowski’s meltdown, the Cubs were left without a true closer. Latroy Hawkins did the best with the situation he was put in. Hendry knew that Hawkins has historically been atrocious as a closer. Cubs fans experienced this first-hand against the Mets and Reds.

And now the topper, the cherry on the sundae: Both Dusty Baker and Hendry had the nerve to criticize icon Steve Stone because of comments made after another pathetic loss down the stretch. Apparently, neither Baker nor Hendry can handle the truth. Then again, it was a season-long habit. The Cubs insisted on pointing the finger instead of examining the heart.

Bring up bad luck and barnyard-animal curses all you’d like. The Cubs lacked true desire, and for that they owe their paying fans an apology. For those of us who continue to root for our lovable losers, we lack intelligence.

For those who aren’t ready to give up Chicago baseball just yet, take this piece of advice: Become a White Sox fan. Save yourself the emotional despair by knowing that your team will be out of playoff contention by the All-Star break each year.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.