Every year, the third Saturday in October provokes relationship carnage over non-existent gifts, half-hearted gestures and those strange looks you keep giving that poster of the hot Olsen twin.

Sweetest Day (or as I call it, the annual “Greg, you will die a lonely, cold death, while that kid you hated in high school will marry Tina Fey and learn to make home-made crazy bread” day) was established in 1922 by people with nothing better to do.

This year’s celebration of love and corporate exploitation came and went this past Saturday. So I thought it would be fun to sort through the wreckage in the form of letters asking for romantic advice.

We at Weekender get letters – lots and lots of letters. And by “lots and lots of letters,” I mean no letters at all. Having finished at the top of my class at the Jayson Blair summer journalism camp in Branson, Mo., this was not a problem. So, I created some fictional people who were kind enough to write in asking for advice – and someone has to give it to them. So we chose the most socially adept and sensible person on staff to answer these sincere, inauthentic queries.

Unfortunately, Erin Weinke was busy. So were Derek Wright, Jessica King, Jessie Coello, Matt Knutson, Marcus Leshock, Kelly Johnson and Scruffy the janitor. After that, they went to me. So let’s dip into the old mailbag and answer some questions:

I just ended it with my girlfriend and things are really awkward. I want us to be mature about it. We are on a pretty similar schedule and live in the same building. Worst of all, we walk the same path back to the residence halls. It is really bad reaching the door at the same time she does.

-Gleaming George in Grant.

The maturation process is a slow one, but I think I am finally at a place in my life where I can offer you practical, adult advice about this situation. If you see you are on a collision course to meet at a door, you have two options: slow down, or run really fast. Failing those, throw a rock at her and run the other way.

I was going to propose to my girlfriend in the Northern Star, but someone stole my thunder and did that last week. How can I possibly top that?

-Lowly Larry in Lincoln.

Well, anybody can buy an ad and run it in the paper. You have to think outside the box, my friend. Imagine how impressed she would be if you found a way to propose in the police blotter. Arson is always a winner.

I was minding my own business walking back to my room in Grant North when I felt something hit my head and knock me unconscious. I woke up two hours later with this rock-shaped dent in my head. I just got out of a relationship and now this. What should I do?

-Gory Gina in Grant.

People are savages around here, aren’t they? You deserve someone nice – like me, for instance. Buy car-dent remover for that pretty old skull of yours and call me.

I have just realized that maintaining a relationship with my girlfriend from high school is impossible. We never talk anymore and it seems like she is out with her friends all of the time. Is there any way that I can get out of this guilt-free?

-Ninny Nick in Neptune.

There is, but it is incredibly complicated. Wait two weeks. She’s cheated on you. The end.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.