I woke up at about 5 a.m. Tuesday morning and discovered my friend was up as well. I asked him why he was up, and he said he was watching the Major League Baseball season opener live from Japan. He asked me why I was up, and I told him I had to take a leak. In my opinion, I spent my time more wisely.

Baseball has long been known as America’s pastime. Too bad football has become America’s present-time and future-time. If baseball is the equivalent of watching paint dry, football is eating the paint chips afterward.

That’s not to say the game doesn’t have its redeeming qualities. Greg Feltes loves the concept of the sacrifice bunt. Greg Feltes loves web gems. Greg Feltes loves the third person.

But it could be so much more with just a few simple tweaks. I now humbly present my ideas to save MLB.

Before you read this list, you should know I am a White Sox fan, so writing about baseball is like an atheist reforming Christianity or someone voting for Ralph Nader — my opinion is ill informed and just doesn’t matter all that much.

1. Steal ideas from other sports.

Hockey has exactly two good concepts: second degree manslaughter and the power play. How about every time someone gives an umpire the middle finger, he or she gets ejected and not replaced. While this wouldn’t work for Antonio Alfonseca, it would bring new drama and edge to the game.

2. Cut off beer sales UNTIL the eighth inning.

The current policy of ending beer sales near the end of games is like keeping Michael Jordan on the bench during the fourth quarter of a close game. This new rule would force people to pay attention to the game, and maybe a sober society would realize how inane and moronic the wave is. Better yet, imagine the excitement building throughout the game as people count down the innings. Drunken idiots never are needed more than in the later innings. Who else is going to throw cell phones at Carl Everett or come up with new and interesting expletives to describe Billy Koch? Not sober people, that’s for sure. Plus, the parking lot would be more fun than ever before.

3. Prostitutes.

4. Pitchers have to hit, but hitters have to pitch.

People complain about the designated hitter rule, but I haven’t seen anyone speak out against this atrocious designated pitcher crap that has become so prevalent in baseball lately. After every out, teams should rotate positions.

Other ideas Bud Selig should explore: putting a salary cap on every team except the Yankees, eliminating all Canadian teams and having Janet Jackson sing every national anthem at every stadium at every game until we see the other one.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff. I think there should be an asterisk next to this column because I wrote it under the influence of performance-enhancing drugs such as Viagra and Levitra. Also, Alfonseca has six fingers, hence no middle finger. I thought the joke might have gone over some people’s heads. That is all.