Why Britney? Why?

We had a good thing going. Every four months you release a video that makes acting like a slut a female empowerment issue and I don’t stalk you relentlessly.

“Everytime,” or as I like to call it “Every time I think about you, I kill myself,” derailed that gravy train on biscuit wheels. It premiered on MTV last week amid controversy. Originally, the video was to feature a graphic depiction of suicide by Spears, but cooler heads prevailed and the scene was scrapped. Still, the final cut leaves little room for doubt that it wasn’t Professor Plum in the observatory with the Kabbalah bracelet that did the ex-Mrs. Jason Allen Alexander in.

Many people don’t know this, but the video is based on experiences from Spears’ own life, including her own dance with attempted suicide. Luckily, she sought help from a suicide hotline that was able to talk her down. A transcript of the conversation was obtained by 13 Inches …

Britney Spears Suicide Hotline Transcript:

DISPATCHER: Hello and thank you for calling the Las Vegas suicide prevention hotline. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless, of course, you kill yourself, and then we will be forced to tell people what happened in Vegas. I’m Lisa.

CALLER: Hello. This is the Britney Spears. Could you connect me to the good suicide hotline … you know … the one for famous people who the world can’t afford to lose?

DISPATCHER: Umm … ma’am … there is no such line.

CALLER: [sigh of contempt] Fine. I guess I am stuck with you. I’m about to commit suicide.

DISPATCHER: Are you talking about career suicide? Because I saw “Crossroads”…

CALLER: No. I mean like cutting my wrists or taking pills.

DISPATCHER: Oh. Can I ask you why?

CALLER: It’s just that I’m all hot and rich and people don’t understand me. Ugly people in particular. I feel like that guy who got killed in that Mel Gibson movie.

DISPATCHER: Jesus?

CALLER: That’s him. You will have to excuse my ignorance. I’m all about Kabbalah now.

DISPATCHER: You download music illegally?

CALLER: That’s Kazaa, you twit.

DISPATCHER: Whatever. Ms. Spears, could you please hold? A fellow dispatcher just informed me that Nick Lachey is on the other line. Apparently, Jessica Simpson just swallowed a whole bottle of aspirin.

CALLER: Oh, my God! Is she committing suicide, too?

DISPATCHER: No. She’s just a freaking moron.

(LONG PAUSE)

DISPATCHER: All right, I am back. It turns out that that they were birth control pills anyway.

CALLER: Oh. Well, can we get back to me and my problems?

DISPATCHER: What was your problem again?

CALLER: You know, I don’t remember. Thank you for your help.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff. In no way do I intend to make light of suicide. This was my feeble attempt to make light of those who make light of suicide, which is one of those things that just isn’t funny. Others on that list: rape, the Holocaust and Jay Leno.

While I am being unduly harsh, thanks to everyone who jeered Dave Chappelle last week. I know I’d rather hear some tool deliver punch lines than the person I paid to see. Please know that you have a special place reserved in hell between Omarosa and any umpire from last weekend’s Cubs-Reds series. Either throw bottle caps at famous celebrities like a real DeKalb heckler or get bent.