Note to Kevin Smith: It’s not the story lines or sappy romantic moments that give you a cult following.

-The joy from a great Smith romp comes from the overblown characters and a few stoner catch phrases. Evidently, after “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,” Smith had his fill of genuinely fun romps and traded in his comedic edge for romance and family values in “Jersey Girl.”

Ben Affleck plays Ollie Trinke, a self-absorbed workaholic whose fleeting relationship with Gertrude Steiney (Jennifer Lopez) needs resurgence. They decide having a baby may unify them and make a family man out of him. After an oddly paced nine months, Gertrude gives birth to a healthy baby girl. Unfortunately, an embolism pops in J-Lo’s head, and she dies. Was it wrong to hear cheers in the theater when this happened?

Alone and devastated, Ollie unloads the newborn on his dad, played by George Carlin, the only saving grace of this film. Carlin plays the resounding voice of reason in Ollie’s life. Hoping to forget his recently deceased wife, Ollie buries himself in work, which is only compounded by the problem of an infant he occasionally has to tote around.

Flashing forward seven years, Ollie’s daughter, Gertrude, is able to pontificate in the true Smith manner, speaking so fast that not even she could have understood what she said.

What follows is a grassroots story of the meaning of family and togetherness. Ollie meets a whorish college student at the video store, who, after hearing his story, decides to give him a “mercy jump.” There’s no real need to expunge on the details of this character because Smith decided to keep the majority of her character a mystery.

A giant monologue by Will Smith, who was the catalyst for Ollie to lose his job, finally instills the morals Ollie had been hearing the whole movie from people much closer to him.

This is a standard tearjerking tale that has been told a thousand times before by much better filmmakers.