It’s March Madness time and phrases like Bracketology 101, Gonzaga Bulldogs and “f*** me and my stupid f****in’ bracket” are about to re-enter our lexicon.

Seemingly, everyone is entered into a pool, and everyone has a system guaranteed to take them to the promised land or, failing that, win enough money to get drunk enough to forget that you go to NIU. That may be unfair, but, as my mother’s obstetrician has told her three times: Life isn’t fair.

-The most studious of the bracket bunch carefully weigh the percentages and note important trends. Some will forgo that route and go with their gut, while others will use the time-honored tradition of which mascot would win in a fight and whose colors are prettier.

Not me. I have carefully formulated a system, which utilizes RPIs, STDs, Red Bull, strength of schedule, Us Weekly, repeated viewing of celebrity sex tapes and conference records (I believe that the NCAA uses a similar system without the STDs, Red Bull and Us Weekly.)

After all that arduous labor, I have associated each team with a pop culture icon. Because who really can make an educated guess when it comes to picking the winner of the Washington/UAB contest? But turn Washington into Mandy Moore and UAB into Michael Moore and things become a lot clearer.

Here are some of the more intriguing first-round games viewed through the admittedly demented “13 Inches” filter.

Play-in game: Ashley Olsen (Florida A&M) defeated Mary-Kate Olsen (Lehigh).

They walk alike, talk alike and were easily the most evenly matched opponents in the tournament. How does I choose? Well, Ashley is a few minutes older than Mary Kate, which makes it less wrong to want to … well … you get the idea. Ashley Olsen goes on to face No. 1 seed Hilary Duff (Kentucky) in the very tough jailbait regional.

No. 7 seed Jay Leno (Xavier) versus No. 10 seed Carrot Top (Louisville).

Um … is death an option?

No. 8 seed Martha Stewart (Texas Tech) versus No. 9 seed Todd Bertuzzi (Charlotte).

One is a cold-hearted, absolutely ruthless goon who will be wearing a number on her chest and will stop at nothing to injure somebody who gets in her face. Then there is Todd Bertuzzi. Since hockey is about as relevant as Al Gore, you have to go with Martha here.

No. 6 seed Ashton Kutcher (Boston College) versus No. 11 seed “‘She Bangs’ guy from ‘American Idol'” (Utah).

Ah, the notorious 15-minutes-of fame regional. Well, it’s got to come down to who has more talent. Sorry, Ashton.

No. 3 seed Steven Spielberg (Georgia Tech) versus No. 14 seed Mel Gibson’s dad (Northern Iowa).

At the surface, this renewal of the Semite/anti-Semite rivalry looks like an easy pick. After all, Spielberg is an award-winning director and chronicler of one of the most heinous events in history, while Gibson’s dad is a complete wacko who believes the Holocaust is a myth. However, usually at least one No. 3 seed defeats a No. 14 seed every tournament and Spielberg did direct “The Lost World: Jurassic Park.” So keep an eye out for an upset here.

My final four: Dido (Duke), Avril Lavigne (Oklahoma State), Paris Hilton (Stanford) and, strangely enough, Michael Moore (UAB).

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.