We at the Weekender still get letters — lots and lots of letters. And by “lots and lots of letters,” I mean no letters at all. Still, Valentine’s Day is a little more than a week away, and these fictional people were kind enough to write in asking for romantic advice. Of course, someone has to give it to them. So let’s dip into the old mailbag and answer some questions:

I have been looking for companionship lately and just placed an ad at an online dating Web site. Does that make me desperate?

— Lonely Laura from Lincoln.

Yes. Next question.

I am getting a little suspicious of my girlfriend. She recently canceled a date because she had a really bad cold — or so she said. Anyway, I went out to a bar later that night and saw her doing a beer bong with, like, seven guys. Am I out of line here in assuming that she is cheating on me? — Depressed Dave from Douglas.

Of course, you are. Your girlfriend is likely observing the old adage that you should starve a fever and get wasted for a cold. The seven guys probably were nursing majors and, in case you didn’t know, there is a severe nursing shortage right now, buddy. I salute them for coming to her aid.

My boyfriend wants to tape us … you know. Should I let him?

— So-So Sandra from Stevenson.

For God’s sake, no. Hire a professional.

I have recently started speed dating. Any tips?

— Giddy Gina from Grant.

When you only have 30 seconds to make a first impression, you have to budget your time wisely. Here’s a pretty standard second-by-second conversation breakdown:

-Five seconds of awkward silence.

-Five seconds of introduction.

-Five seconds of lying about how you have never done anything like this before.

-Five seconds of talking about your cats.

-Five seconds of you saying “I love you” and “I want you to meet my mother.”

-Five seconds of awkward silence.

I am in real trouble. My girlfriend thinks I have no heart and soul. She has given me this ultimatum of giving her a gift from the heart for Valentine’s Day, or she’ll end it by President’s Day. I asked if President’s Day was a national holiday and if we got school off, but she said that was beside the point. She said a poem would be great, but I am angry at words and never would be able to write one. What should I do?

— Nervous Nate from Neptune.

Calm down, Nate. This one is easy. All you have to do is go to the mall and find a rack of greeting cards with poems in them. Read through them carefully, pick the one you like the best and buy it. When you get home, simply copy the poem from the card onto another piece of paper and sign your name. She’ll think you wrote it and be touched by the sincerity of your words. Now don’t feel guilty if she starts to cry and tells you she loves you. She made you do it, and all’s fair in love, war and copyright infringement.