We at the Weekender get letters —lots and lots of letters.

And by “lots and lots of letters,” I mean no letters at all. Still, these fictional people were kind enough to write-in asking for romantic advice and someone has to give it to them. So we chose the most socially adept and sensible person on staff to answer these inauthentic queries. Unfortunately, Matt Knutson was busy. So were Casey Toner, Chaz Wilke, Sam Cholke, Jessica King, Mark Larmon, Marcus Leshock, Erin Weinke, Alice Webb, Derek Wright, Joe Fletcher, Scott Smith and a couple of random people off the street. After that, the powers that be went to me. So let’s dip into the old mailbag and answer some questions:

Question: Last Thursday, I met this red-hot blonde at a bar and got her number on a napkin. Unfortunately, I had nine beers and I wrote the number down in the wrong order: 75421062782. Now, I am assuming that the ten digit number starts with a 1. However the leaves like 999,999,999 possible numbers. I tried to work down the list of possible numbers in order, however, they shut off my phone after the first 1,000 calls. What should I do to track her down?

-Wasted and Basted Jack in Neptune

Answer: Wow, that’s quite a pickle you are in. Now if I was an insensitive jerk, I would suggest you pull a Tom Cruise and pick up an autistic person to exploit, hand them a phone book and let them work it out for you. However, that would probably get you struck down by the Almighty. My solution? Obviously you need to reverse-engineer the process to find the number. Drink nine beers, rescramble the numbers and dial up your love connection.

Note: The Weekender does not in any way condone behavior that could lead to alcohol poisoning, unless the girl is at least an 8.5.

Question: My girlfriend continually calls me immature. What should I do to combat this perception?

-Childlike Chet in Lincoln

Answer: Whatever you do, don’t slash her tires, order 26 pizzas under her name and pee on her door. No matter how much sense those actions seem to make, they won’t work. Trust me. I’d go with that old old Pee-Wee Herman standby: I know you are but what am I? There’s no good comeback for that one.

Question: My boyfriend and I are completely different. For example, I don’t like country music and he does …

Answer: Stop. Dump him. Next question.

Question: I have a really big crush on this guy named Kyle on my dorm floor. However, I have watched several other such relationships crash and burn. Then it’s awkward for the rest of the year. Should I go with my instinct and tell no one?

-Jane Doe in Grant

Answer: Well, Samantha Finklestein from Grant North’s C-Tower, room 1562, I don’t think it’s wise to tell Kyle that you like him. I also don’t think it’s wise to leave a real name and return address on a supposedly anonymous letter. Some jerk might print it or something.

Question: Greg, I have taken out a restraining order. Leave me alone or I will hunt you down and rip out your vital organs with a pair of eyebrow tweezers, you demented freak.

-Girl with slashed tires, 26 pizzas and pee on her door.

Answer: Um … that wasn’t a question.