I can safely say that I’m the greatest humanitarian in world, far surpassing the efforts of the soon-to-be Saint Mother Teresa.

No, I might not “spoon-feed starving Indian children” or “save lives.” I actually spend most of my spare time, i.e. all my time, drinking beer and sleeping — similar to that of an alcoholic cat.

But how does this translate to being the greatest humanitarian in the world? Well, because I know the art of trick-or-treating — and great trick-or-treaters are few and far between.

In fact, last semester I wrote a very pretentious guide to trick-or-treating. And this Halloween, I’m writing a second, equally pretentious one. So let’s begin.

1) Silly string … more like STUPID STRING!!! Har, har, har. “Silly String!” by any stretch of the imagination is not shaving cream. It doesn’t stain or leave a mark and it isn’t toxic. This is the kind of feel-good crap teachers pass out in goodie bags. And anything related to school, as all kids will discover in college, is connected to Satan.

2) Leave pumpkin-smashing to Billy Corgan. Some random band of hooligans snatched my 5-year-old neighbor’s pumpkin once and smashed it in the middle of the street. She, as expected, was hysterical. It broke my heart.

But on a completely irrelevant side note I take absolutely no responsibility for, I hear that if you snatch a pumpkin and drop it out a car window while driving fast, the pumpkin has a slim chance of hitting the pavement and shooting straight up in the air like a rocket.

3) Don’t finish trick-or-treating before 7 p.m. Don’t stop the tricking before at least 11 p.m.; curfew be damned, you only live once.

4) Bring a bigger bag. Bigger, from what I hear, is always better. And that’s why I’m a loser. Purchase an Army dufflebag from a surplus store. People will see a big bag and think, “Poor kid, he’ll never be able to finish that by the night. So just to make him feel better, I’ll dump half my candy stash, a quarter of my beer stash and my wife into his bag.”

5) Multiple costumes means twice the candy. Dress as Batman, get candy, undress, dress as Superman and hit the same houses twice. Then, when it’s time to say “trick or treat,” try and be as sarcastic as possible. However, saying “You’ve been punk’d, you dumb oaf!” afterward isn’t recommended.

6) If all else fails, wear a suit and dress as an Enron employee. Your peers might not understand, but you’ll scare the crap out of your parents.