Captain Planet: defender of Earth, keeper of the rain forest, spokesman for magic-ring-wearing hippie children.

Television cartoonists in the late ’80s laced their craft with politically correct bile. Take GI-Joe, for example.

When Team Joe was not capping Team Cobra by the clip or bombing them into ash, Joe reminded us that “knowing is half the battle.”

The other half is owning a tank.

Years went by, cartoons were cancelled, then Captain Planet and the Planeteers made an entire wretched show about living in harmony with Mother Nature.

According to lore (aka some Greenpeace hippie), Gaia, mother of the Earth, awoke from a century-long nap to find her planet destroyed. Boo, hoo.

In lieu, Gaia sent five magical rings to five teenage strangers across the globe. But there was one ring created for another purpose.

ONE RING TO BRING THEM ALL INTO THE DARKNESS AND BIND THEM! Heh, I wish.

The special rings magically sent the teens to Gaia, where upon they learned to master earth, fire, wind, water and heart.

Unfortunately, no one knew what the power of heart was. We just knew that some South American kid could use it to speak to monkeys.

The Planeteers, with the aid of Captain Planet, fought ecological super-villians. Standing seven and a half feet tall, super-villain Verminous Skumm (such a clever name – clever with a capital C) fought the good forces with toxic waste. Skumm was voiced by Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff, my man, what happened to your acting stock value?

Answer: Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World. Cha-ching.

Weekly, the Planeteers stomped villains like Skumm. Actually, villains like Skumm stomped the wiener-kids until the Planeteers summoned Captain Planet.

Captain Planet would then raise the roof … FOR THE ENVIRONMENT!

So, next time you spot a student littering, tap him on the shoulder and tell him that Captain Planet says he shouldn’t.

Then look to the skies and thank Captain Planet for, once again, making the world “A-OK” for environmental freaks like yourself.