$3,500 can buy many things … computers, cheap cars, text books, scholarships. Heck, for $3,500, given infinite time, one could probably teach a monkey Latin.

And for that $3,500, my Latin monkey would, without a doubt, have better discussions than Real World Chicago’s Aneesa, whose low-rent celebrity was purchased for a similar price by the Campus Activities Board.

Aneesa, better known as the lewd African-American/Jewish lesbian that pee’d with the door open, walked around naked and slept in front of a camera, “enlightened” a near-full house Tuesday night at the Sandburg Auditorium.

-“Using her unique experiences in the Chicago house, Aneesa will speak about accepting diversity, resolving conflicts, creating and maintaining relationships, coping with grief, developing confidence, and much more!,” according to the CAB press release.

Aneesa did none of this.

For two hours, she slouched in a chair, rambling, gossiping and negating any relative IQ points I may have had beforehand. But hey! Now we know for a fact, that Theo does have the cutest butt and that Justin Timberlake is “some white chocolate for that ass.” Whatever.

Spending $3,500 of my money to bring in a woman whom, in response to a question about Sept. 11, responded by saying “I partied right around the block from there,” is an insult to my integrity and an abomination of academia.

On one hand, NIU selects students by credential and groups them into similar communities for the general benefit of the students involved.

On the other, The Real World selects participants by physical appearance, steals the identity of seven strangers, locks them in a house and exploits them for capital gain.

One is a legit institution that prepares America’s youth for the real world.

The other projects a hip facade.

Then there is CAB, a trusted college association, funded by our student fees, created to enrich a flailing NIU student body. And what do they do? They blow $3,500 on a truly vapid human being, stooping low, appealing to the MTV generation. That’s pathetic.

So CAB, next time you come across $3,500, send it my way.

I hear there are some illiterate monkeys in need of a few lessons.