There is no feeling more gross than having a warm, wet finger swishing about in your ear. And there is nothing more humiliating than a Wet Willy.

As a writer and delinquent, it is my sworn duty to celebrate and study the Wet Willy as an art form. Screw over or be screwed over — that at is the driving philosophy behind the Wet Willy.

-It is a M.O.O.S.E. pastime, and it is the American way.

Applying a Wet Willy is simple. The attacker licks his or her pinky finger, chooses an unsuspecting victim, then crams his or her damp finger into the ear hole of the chosen victim. Seconds after the horrified victim realizes that someone else’s finger is inside his or her ear, the attacker pulls the finger out of the person’s ear. Smiling, the attacker proudly claims his or her action by yelling, “Wet Willy!” Attackers usually then wipe traces of excess ear wax onto the victim’s shirt or hair.

That’s the way it goes. It’s the sacred code of the Willy.

Having an older sister, I was safe from the wrath of the Wet Willy for most of my childhood. But those memorable summers spent with my male Oregonian cousins were free game. Wet Willies were exchanged like phone numbers. Escaping the Willy was impossible.

Only our largest and strongest cousins dared ride the passenger seat for fear of sneaky backseat Willy attacks. Larger family members could and did ride passenger seat whenever possible. Seeing as they could beat the crap out of any prospective attacker, riding passenger was always assumed.

While applying Wet Willies are simple, the more advanced Willy techniques require pinpoint precision. These Super Wet Willies require a bit of seducing too.

Just call me Casanova.

Gentlemen, let’s say you have a blind date at the movies and she isn’t attractive in the least. Maybe she looks like a gorilla. Maybe she’s a man. Maybe she’s a male gorilla. Anyway, here’s how to rid yourself of that pesky Sasquatch:

Mid-film, lick your pinky and yawn while subtly stretching your arm over your date’s shoulder.

Turn your head as if to say “kiss me, baby.” Instead of smooching the beast, insert your wet finger into her ear, careful enough so she won’t feel it. As her eyes close, keep yours open. Brace for her response, claim your masterpiece. Then run away — fast. Because there is nothing scarier than an angry Sasquatch on the move.

(Note: Although fun, Wet Willies are seldom used in dating. That’s why I don’t date.)

Being single does have its benefits. As does the Wet Willy. Just don’t do it on a date. And if you do, expect to be slapped. Or expect a Wet Willy. Amen!