Be a vandal, but don’t overstep your bounds. Cast an egg, but never get caught.

Trick-or-treating is a kid’s tradition. Likewise, it carries certain etiquette, which must be followed and upheld to preserve the credibility of the tradition.

If you plan on tricking and/or treating this weekend, make sure you follow these rules. In accordance with my previous statement, I have written the following rules for you to read. I present the M.O.O.S.E. guide to trick-or-treating:

-1) Never ever drive with your Mom, rain or shine. I cannot overstate how uncool you are by driving around with mom. The mischievous trick or treat tradition wasn’t invented by overprotective soccer moms. It was invented by delinquents. Walk if you know what’s good for you.

2) There is a certain age when you should stop trick-or-treating. Although the age is undefinable, one knows when his or her time is up. Every Halloween, some stoned 22-year-old, usually dressed as a jogger, will knock on my door expecting a treat. Give it up, dude.

3) If you stumble across a “take only one” box, open your candy pillowcase and stuff the whole box in.

4) Every block has a crotchety old man who won’t open his door to anyone. Egg his house and aim for those open windows. There is a reason he is a crotchety old man, and it is your job to make sure he stays that way.

5) Big houses usually mean full-size candy bars. Hit these guys up first.

6) Be grateful and polite. In other words, don’t be a twit. You don’t want to be that crotchety old man detailed in No. 4.

7) Share the wealth. Every year after Halloween our schools usually collected candy to be donated to local hospitals. Be a pal and donate. Avoid ditching those nasty peanut butter candies and leave them for the hospitalized kids. Throw in a Reese’s Pieces or two. Share Halloween’s magic with those who couldn’t make it.

8) Don’t get caught in whatever illegal activity you are doing. The last thing I want to read about is some doofus maloofus getting nabbed for petty vandalism, spoiling Halloween for those who know how to run really fast.

9) Most importantly, enjoy Halloween. With each and every year, Halloween becomes more of an excuse to drink and less of a celebration of youth.

Dress up, drink up, throw an egg. Celebrate.

Just don’t get caught.