If there’s one thing that finally got drilled into my head this year, it’s this: I’m not invincible.

Though I’m not one of those crazy college kids that drives like a maniac, leaving speed tables wherever I go, or someone who’s itching to experiment more with drugs than the Pfizer corporation, there’s something about being young that cultivates a feeling of being superhuman and prolongs dealing with painful realities that patiently wait outside our invisible forcefields.

But this past summer was a real turning point for me. I moved away from the whole dorm scene, taking residence in an off-campus boarding house and making a step toward a more independent lifestyle filled with grocery shopping, paying bills and doing my own housekeeping. The change in environment led me to scrutinize a lifestyle that I was beginning to view as self-destructive, both in how I treated myself and how I allowed others to treat me. And I found that I was starting to awake from my dream world of apathy, fearlessness and little ambition but to stay 22 forever.

The summer began on a high note. My days were filled with absolutely no responsibilities but a Yoga class here and there and many nights of barbecuing with my housemates. But what topped it all off was that I met someone on the first day of work at my summer job.

I was smitten with this guy. He was passionate about so many things, and he appeared to live his life on the same carefree level that I did. But I should’ve known that things don’t always work for the best because two people appear to be in the same boat, especially when the other person lives in his own dream world filled with just as little respect for responsibility as mine.

What started as my first real relationship ever turned quickly into a learning experience that I wish wasn’t my sole reference to what dating was like. It didn’t take long for me to see that what was occurring between me and this guy wasn’t anything special to him. But being the doormat I used to be, I didn’t have enough respect for myself to demand better treatment or to hold the belief that I deserve someone who values me as a human being.

In a way, I’m thankful for our unhealthy relationship and endless cycles of separating and hooking up that have plagued me throughout most of the school year, because in the end, it forced me to take a deep look at the pathetic pattern I was allowing to control my life.

In February, after one last hoorah together, I decided enough was enough. I thought about how May graduation was approaching quickly and that soon I’d be

living on my own and dealing with problems without the luxury of ditching classes, avoiding homework and lying in my room all day crying. When I thought about the new job I would begin in June, I came to the conclusion that if I pulled the same overused coping mechanisms, I’d be fired and replaced in no time.

Though it was hard for me to take that first step, I decided to swallow my overinflated pride and get some counseling at the Psychological Services Center on campus. First of all, it’s free to full-time students, but more importantly, making the decision to get professional guidance helped me realize that I take my life seriously and that I love myself enough to make some changes in my life for the better. It wasn’t just the break-up that fueled me to seek help; it was years of being a pushover and being dishonest and ashamed with who I was.

It was extremely difficult to admit to another person that I couldn’t handle my own problems, but I was incredibly lucky & my counselor was great. She helped me realize that my emotions are valid and that things that happened to me in the past were worth sharing so I could finally understand the situations and my pattern of reactions to them.

Basically, she made me feel special at a time when I felt anything but that. I soon looked forward to my 50 minutes of undivided attention where I could figure out my personal goals and uncover all the facets of my personality & whether I liked them or not.

I only told a select few of my counseling because I was afraid people would think I was unstable or weak if they knew. But now, I’m not ashamed to admit that I needed a little help at a point in my life where everything from Calculus to shopping made me feel lost and hopeless.

This week I had my last counseling session, and fittingly enough, this is my last column at the Northern Star. I now look forward to graduating and leaving college in a much happier state than when I started this school year. Though I wish I didn’t have to live through some of the troubling moments I’ve encountered this year, those bad experiences led me to get help so I know how to avoid or deal with trying situations in the future, while respecting my needs in the process.

I guess I really don’t need those superhuman powers of youth anymore & I now have self-respect instead.