The Simpsonian Simpson College

The graduate came down from the student center. Amidst the unwashed, sweatshirt-covered students before him, he presented a notebook containing these ten rules of living at college.

“These truths we hold dear. Follow them to the best of your ability, or face eternal damnation at the hands of your professors, memorizing the periodic table and writing expositions about dead composers. Behold these Commandments of College Life.”

Honor thy roommate(s) … You are stuck with this person, whether you like it or not, for most of your college life. Get used to it. Don’t look for his or her annoyances, embrace them. If they pick at their toe nails and leave them on the floor, gather them, color them and glue them to a piece of construction paper to make a mosaic. Start simple, then work your way up.

Thou shalt not begin a paper until the last minute … It is documented (probably) that people work best under pressure. This is especially true of college students. If a term paper is being written, it should be started with no more than 12 hours remaining before it is due. This really is an amazing occurrence. Ideas will be typed out at a record pace, sometimes entirely bypassing your brain. You say that Hannibal crossed the Alps on giant llamas? Great, go with it. Just remember to cite your sources.

Thou shall put sleep above all else …

When choosing your classes, remember that eight o’clock comes before noon. The rest will work itself out. If you should come across two hours where you have nothing to do, choose sleep before studying, eating, breathing, etc. How can you be expected to read Muckraking: The Life and Times of the Average Earthworm when you can barely keep your eyes open?

Thy laundry shall be done out of necessity … There are two times when your shirt should be clean: when the tags are still on it and when it is at home. If it’s clean at any other point, you are wasting both time and money. You can wear jeans 10 or 12 times before you need to wash them. Same goes for sweaters, flannels and sweat pants (absorbency is the key). Socks and underwear are a matter of personal preference. If you want to smell like a bus station all day go ahead. Just remember the First Commandment…

Thy food shall be inedible … Never again in your life will the nutritional value of the food you eat be less than that of some paper products. At college you will ingest meat from origins you never thought possible (raccoon, camel, orangutan, hobo, etc.). Being that it occurs before 10 o’clock, breakfast doesn’t exist for most students, yet we all need three balanced meals per day. About four to five hours following dinner the third meal commences. It is usually composed of potato chips, frozen pizza or any number of value meals from the local eateries in town.

Television shall be thy best friend …

When you came to college you said goodbye to your real family (Mom, Dad, Grandma Rose …) and hello to your new family (Oprah, Jerry Springer, Laverne and Shirley …). As the year progresses, even though you are learning more and becoming an intelligent member of society, you will find that you will watch twice as much Cartoon Network as you do CNN. Who among us can resist the sheer brilliance of “Tom and Jerry?”

Thy property is not your own …

Some say that communism is dead. This is untrue; just check any dorm room. People you don’t know will bang on your door at three in the morning, wanting to borrow your stapler and a jar of peanut butter. The best thing to do here is to give them whatever they want and then ask for it later. You have to remember to ask for it because no one ever returns personal property at college without at least a week and a half of constant prodding and badgering. Some choose to start a sign-out list for their movies, video games, kitchen utensils, etc. Avoid these “Dorm Nazis,” as they are militantly opposed to sharing of any kind.

Do not covet thy neighbor’s music …

Most of the music you will hear while at college is bad. The people that live beside you, however, will have by far the worst taste in music of anyone you’ve ever met. Whether they are dancing around to Kris Kross’ “Jump” or screaming out the chorus to Great White’s “Once Bitten, Twice Shy,” you will never be able to ignore them. These people usually will have a billion-watt system that they never turn down. If you don’t like their eclectic mix of bad music with horrible music, let them hear about it. Remind them that not everyone believes that Journey is the greatest rock band of all time.