Hola! Not many columns start out with a greeting, what with the deterioration of manners and all. Then again, this column tries not to be like other columns.

The new year finds my columns undergoing some theoretical construction. Therefore, there will be no more long tirades that alienate the readers, and maybe more importantly, no more cartoons. Version 2.0 will feature quick, small nuggets of information and observations to satisfy those with perceived cases of attention deficit disorder. There’s no need for medication! Don’t like one topic? Skip a paragraph and move on to the next! Ha ha! It’ll be fun. It will be fun.

DAY JOB: Some of you may not know that I do things that don’t involve writing these columns. Most of you are unaware that I ever wrote columns before. In either case, my bills are paid by my role as campus editor.

This position helps organize our coverage on campus, everything from Student Association meetings to interesting students on campus. Unfortunately, a lack of enticing social skills and being in an office most of the day does not allow me a fair opportunity to see all that our campus offers (no jokes, please).

That is where you, the fair reader, come in. I’d like to formally invite you to contact the Northern Star with interesting ideas that you think are important to the NIU community. So use NIU Speaks, use our editor e-mail address and even use my lowly e-mail address to forward ideas and reactions. Please, I could use the e-mail.

Seriously, we are working for the best paper possible, and we can’t do it without reader input.

UPDATE, PLEASE: The cutting edge and NIU usually can’t be used in the same sentence, especially without a money complaint following thereafter. But the NIU Connected Web site, set up by the NIU Public Affairs Office and the Student Association, is a step in the right technological direction. The SA itself could use that direction.

The SA Web site revels in the fact that it was last updated in November 1999. I don’t know about you, but I had different color hair in November of 1999. A further investigation reveals that yes, Ken Getty is recognized as president. But the untapped potential of the Web site is indicative of the SA as a whole, especially the Student Senate.

SONY MAKES HISTORY: I don’t mean to blow the lid off a major conspiracy, but I think the movie industry and the camcorder industry are in cahoots.

Nicholas Cage’s character in “The Family Man” finds himself in an alternate universe. He catches up on his relationship history through home videos. Aside from the personal feelings created by watching someone watch television, the scene also lets us know if someone ever lands in your life from an alternate universe, you should record all parties and vacations just in case.

It also tells us that actual plot devices found in “Austin Powers” can be recycled after all.

A NEW THEORY: The world of humor is quite a theoretical one. One man’s “Jackass” is another woman’s Goldie Hawn movie. But here may be one constant. A trip to a Department of Motor Vehicles building found two of the delightful women there making a joke with a strained connection to a “recount.”

Thus, a new rule: A joke officially is dead when DMV employees and mothers reference it in conversation. Heaven forbid a few weeks from now when moms start talking about letting dogs out.

LASTLY: A little philosophy. The winter break found me in Playa del Carmen, Mexico for a little rest and relaxation. One of the highlights was a little cenote (bastardized English equivalent: sinkhole) in central Mexico. A hole in the limestone revealed an underground pool surrounded by lush vegetation and a cliff 45 feet high that will grow in every telling of the story.

So, of course, I had to dive. And the feeling of flying into that environment is one not soon forgotten. Unfortunately, my memory is the only place that dive remains. My mom’s pictures lacked enough light to differentiate me from a speck on the stone. I’m just glad memories don’t require sufficient light.

Or, I just should have bought a camcorder.