To quote Jon Stewart, my inspirational icon and second-favorite teacher behind Jesus, “deep dish pizza is not only not better than New York pizza, it’s not pizza!” As a Central Illinoisan from the small town of Farmer City, I love visiting Chicago. I love Chicago Dogs, I love the sights, I love the Bears, I even love visiting Wrigley Field despite being a Cardinals fan. What I cannot abide, though, is a doughy crater with slightly melty cheese covered in tomato sauce, especially when it pretends to be real pizza.

On the surface, deep dish pizza seems to be a good idea. However, it violates the laws of pizza by putting the three main ingredients in the wrong order. Instead of the basic order of crust, sauce then cheese, deep dish has a confusing order of crust, cheese then sauce. 

Because deep dish pizza has the cheese first, it’s protected by both the sauce and the crust so, while it does get heated up and melt, it’s not cooked. It doesn’t have a nice crunch to it that is perfectly offset by the sauce. Instead, a perfectly good crust and sauce are ruined by melty cheese that made me gag the first time I had it. 

If you want real pizza, the best place to find it isn’t in the Windy City, but in the City That Never Sleeps. New York pizza is superior. 

When you get New York pizza, you get a big slice that you can fold as you eat. It’s the kind of pizza that will make you shout, “mamma mia!” That’s real pizza.

Now, I don’t think Illinois should secede from Chicago, because then we’d miss out on so many great things: the food, the people, the culture and, of course, “da Bears!” However, deep dish pizza is a good reason why the rest of Illinois should cut itself off. It’s not just overrated, it’s not just gross— it’s an insult to the city.