Valentine’s Day to begin

Today is the beginning of a period when society reveals its silliness. Yes, today is the day we start seeing the obnoxious Valentine’s Day ads in the paper.

The ones like: nookeypuddums, I’ll luv you for a million years. Since you came into my life, I’ve never thought about anything but you. XXXOOO—Fishlips.

Then you get the real romantic types who resort to third-grade poetry: SugarBear, Ever since the day I saw you, I knew I found a love that’s true. And you have my heart forever, I will leave you never.— Love, Goose Liver.

Speaking of grade school, that was when Valentine’s Day was simple. You gave everyone some candy and/or some cards and if there was a boy/girl you had a crush on, you might give them a card with a message in it.

I can’t remember anything else about V-Day back then, the part of my brain containing those memories was destroyed during a particularly long night at Molly’s.

The long night was probably in response to a Valentine’s Day snub, but I can’t remember that either.

All I know was that everything pertaining to love was simpler back then (and cheaper). You saw the object of your affection at school all day and there were a lot fewer complications.

Eventually, you grow apart and lose touch until one day while watching TV you see your pre-adolescent flame led in handcuffs to the county jail, charged with hiring a hit man to kill her husband. But that’s another story.

So why is Valentine’s Day more complicated as you get older? Is it fear of rejection? Fear of commitment? AIDS? The gamma rays the government has been secretly injecting into our food supply?

No. After several minutes of intense contemplation, I’ve figured out the answer: Frozen yogurt.

It’s a symbol of our complicated times. When you use to have a hankering for some ice cream all you had to do was decide what flavor you wanted. Now, unless you want to die because of high cholesterol and fat intake, you have to eat this junk that is being peddled as health food.

Did you know that frozen yogurt and the fuel used to propel the space shuttle are chemically identical? Probably not. The frozen yogurt companies have one of the most powerful lobbying organizations in the country.

If you don’t believe me, think about this: When was the last time you heard anything negative about frozen yogurt?

Even as you read this, a squad of frozen yogurt death merchants, trained by the CIA, is probably on its way to the offices of the Northern Star.

But never fear dear readers, the answer to your Valentine’s Day problems will now be revealed: After my world travels and thousands of interrogations of the world’s wisest people, I have come up with the answer.

It is so simple as to be profound. The answer lies within the grasp of all who seek the truth.

First you find someone that makes you happy. Then you ignore all bad news. See, it’s as easy as winning the lottery.